The Week Of

LBN’s new semi-regular feature about the things, thoughts and conundrums overheard during the course of a week. Otherwise a bunch of small instances that are good enough to mention, but didn’t necessarily deserve a whole story.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Due to weather, distance and prior commitments the LBN team settled on this particular weekend to celebrate Christmas with my family in Michigan.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

After opening a slew of dust covered presents, Cathy decides to give Lucy a heart shaped bag, full of heart shaped candies and heart colored flowers.

“What’s this?” Lu asked, looking over the red and pink package.

“Happy Valentine’s Day!” Cathy shouts. Lucy seems – – surprised. She looks at us, the heart bag, a pile of discarded wrapping paper and finally her newly stacked gifts. Maybe it was all too much for her to take in, but as she methodically unwrapped the foil from a Hershey Kiss, I notice a glint in her eye and it’s unmistakable. It’s a look that comes only once a year, a look of bliss and whimsical wonderment. It is joy, happiness and love. My friends, it is none other than the Christmas Spir….

“Valentine’s Day is awesome!” Lucy screams. As I grit my teeth in horror, I now realize our grievous mistake. Celebrating Christmas on Valentine’s Day proved to be a little too confusing for a three year old. It was all too clear that someone is gonna be very upset next year when the only present she gets on Valentine’s Day is a cartoon themed box of mystery filled chocolates, courtesy of Russell Stovers.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Somewhere on I-94 between Battle Creek and Kalamazoo I briefly roll down the window next to Ruby for the purpose of eliminated a “smell.” When Cathy looks back at her a few minutes later she notices something’s missing.

“Ruby, where is your hat?” Lucy looks up from the book she’d been reading, “Oh yeah, it flew out the window.”

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

“Daddy, do you want to hear some Knock-knock jokes? I made them up myself, you can tell your friends if you want, but they are really-really funny.” I cannot tell you how many doubts I have about her ability to put together any sort of coherent joke, riddle or what-have-you. But since it is in my good nature to share my living hours with the whole world, no need to thank me and you’re welcome.

Lu: Knock-Knock.

Me: Who’s there?

L: Sun

M: Sun who?

L: Sun can you give me a shine and a hot on it? (She laughs hysterically as she finishes the “punch-line.” I tell her it’s funny, she has more).

L: Knock-Knock.

M: Who’s there?


M: TV who?

L: TV can you give me a hot on it? (Again, she laughs hysterically. I laugh because it’s like the first one except different).

L: Knock-Knock.

M: Who’s there?

L: Couch

M: Couch who?

L: Couch can you give me a hot ride on it? (She pauses. I don’t laugh, it’s getting a bit redundant and I don’t really get where all the “Hot” stuff is coming from). Let me try another one.

L: Knock-Knock.

M: Who’s there?

L: Table (It’s clear that’s she’s just looking around the room and putting good furniture in her bad jokes).

M: Table who?

L: Table can you give me a hot ride and smash your face on it? Is that funny huh?! (I laugh nervously).

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

After struggling aloud for dinner ideas, Lucy speaks up.

“Daddy, are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“I don’t know. What are you thinking?”

“Donut Holes for dinner.”

“Nope, can’t say I was.”

Thursday, February 18, 2010

After an extensive search of the bathroom for an adult type shampoo, I realize the only option is Lucy’s Hello Kitty shampoo. Two hours later I realize that the irritating odor of “old-woman” perfume, blueberries andBen-Gay is in fact my burning head.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Cathy rolls over at 6 am and asks why it smells like a 90 year old woman gumming ribbon candy in a beige sansabelt pantsuit has been in our room? I don’t respond.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

After washing my hair for the fourth time in 2 days, I decide that the only way to rid myself of the fragrance that I can only describe as a mix of Mickey Rooney’s armpit and nursing home sheets is to shave my head. For the next 4 hours, Ruby cried every time I walked into the room.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

“Daddy, do you have a job?”

“Yeah, I think you could call spending all day watching you and Ruby a job.” After a few seconds of what I assumed to be the silent process of weighing both the magnitude and responsibility that comes with being a parent she responds….

“I’m sorry; maybe one day you can learn how to drive a blimp.”

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