Valentine’s Day can be a challenge for men-one misstep can mean romantic disaster. As for husbands and dads (for whom windows of amorous opportunity are fewer and further between) – Valentine’s Day is an interpersonal minefield. This week the Dads are here to lead you through to safety.
Don’t mess up Valentine’s Day again this year! Let the Certified Love Professors* of White Dad Problems help you steer clear of Feb. 14thmissteps.
Think the holiday means obligatory sex for you? You’re right! – but don’t let your special lady know you think that way. Do. Not.
The window of opportunity is only open briefly – don’t slam it shut by getting your wife too drunk, too gassy, or by talking to her. She doesn’t need to hear your stupid opinions, she just needs chocolates and a small amount of booze.
Did you buy a Cupid costume to surprise your sweetie? Yuck. Return it. (But keep the adult diaper. If you don’t need it now you’ll need it soon enough.)
Do not buy a house in February like D.M. did. You’ll have a mortgage and still have to buy dinner. It can wait.
Forget the day was coming? Running to Walgreens to buy a singing lobster crooning Buster Poindexter’s hit? Do not do it.
Buying dinner for her? Maybe don’t – you’re going to get the same crummy dinner that restaurant always serves, but at a huge markup! Make dinner, Mister Lazy.
And finally, if you’ve been dating that chick for under six months, no Groupon dates. Especially if it’s for something she’ll hate – like paintball or body waxing.
You, sir, are welcome.
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*The Cast of White Dad Problems are not Certified Love Professors. That is not a thing.