Don’t say you haven’t been warned: Children = monsters

Americans are having more kids, data tells us.

In what is perhaps an attempt to buck that trend, or at least give the baby-booming reins a tug, Newsweek’s Raina Kelley delivers this gem. Now, don’t get sucked in by the headline; Breaking every rule about web copyediting, the subhead is where this piece is parked:

“The Joys of Motherhood: 8 Ways my son is torturing me.” Amazing.

Among them, Kelley tells us, is eating toothpaste, calling his toy cars “Mom,” and putting on an impossibly cute and charming public face, while, you know, torturing her. But really, it seems that what bugs Kelley is not what he does, but what he’s made her do.

“Before I had a kid, I was funnier, more spontaneous, less judgmental, better dressed, and a good cook. Now I’m guilt-ridden, smelly stress ball who’s getting more strident by the day and eats cashews and licorice for dinner.”

It’s a tough life.

But I appreciate Kelley’s candor, and I think she reflects a new generation of parents, or at least a generation of parents with a slightly updated mindset. They can laugh about (and occasionally at) their kids and feel about being a parent the way I feel about getting enough fiber in my diet — part of a balanced life, but not something I’ll do at the cost of being a real person who does real things with her day.

Say what you want, but “David After the Dentist” is hilarious. Also, I’m pretty sure I could live on cashews and licorice.

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