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5 helpful tips for throwing a spot-on measles party

This week’s blog post is by WDP co-host Matt Rocco, who lives in the Edgewater Glen neighborhood of Chicago with Professor Foster ( his “Brown Mom” wife), and their daughter Viva who can’t wait for her friends to arrive with their rotavirus and diphtheria.

People all over the country are making the personal choice to avoid having their children vaccinated, and thus the personal choice to facilitate the return of previously eradicated diseases to the U.S.

More than 121 cases of measles have been discovered in our country already this year, with many centered around visits to Disneyland, and more linked to a daycare facility right here in a Chicagoland.

… and I say bring it on those measles, baby!

There’s no immunity like a natural immunity, not made in a lab by some oily government scientists backed by the Thimerasol cartels, but created at home amongst family and friends. The matter is much more simple than the lab coat Johnnies would have you believe – the best way to fight disease in your offspring is to either avoid thinking about it, or to let it ravage their body at an early age.

My little child doesn’t need a bunch of scary toxins with complicated names injected into her tender young body. She is small and those names are large and therefore they should not be together – that’s just solid reasoning. I’m not a scientist, I don’t understand science, and I don’t want to understand it. What I understand is fear of things which are complicated or with which I am unfamiliar. I embrace that fear and I parent by it.

And isn’t there a lot to fear? We’re talking about jackbooted CDC controlled doctors injecting every eligible kid in this country with their one-size-fits-all Frankenserums. I’ve worked hard to give my child privileges – good food, clean clothes, granite countertops. Shouldn’t they also enjoy the privilege of avoiding Federally suggested inoculation regimens?

That’s why I’m throwing a “Measles Party” – that’s an event wherein you invite over all the other families who are sensible enough to allow pestilence to run roughshod over the innocent – including families experiencing an outbreak of certain childhood viruses, and hope that all the young guests catch it. Then they all get better and never get sick again. It is simple, natural, and nothing could possibly go wrong, unlike being vaccinated, which numerous studies Kristin Cavallari has read show is very dangerous.

How dangerous? We all know that sometimes autism develops around the same time as inoculation, which leads me to deduce that the two must surely be linked, just like when I got hit by a car on Halloween and realized that fun-size Twix cause car accidents.

Unless you’re one of the sheeple longing to be fleeced and made into soft gullible sweaters, you know that “Big Pharma” with its laughable cult of “evidence-based,” “empirically sound,” “systematically reviewed” “Western Medicine” clearly wants us all to develop autism so it can secretly profit from sales of cattle squeezing machines. The Playboy Bunny who was in “BASEketball” told me so.

And why should we listen to doctors anyway? Is it just because they went to multiple colleges and through apprenticeships for years and years and stand on the shoulders of thousands of researchers and practitioners while I’m an angry drunk who keeps re-posting declarations that Facebook in no way owns my photos or statuses? That’s not enough for this concerned father.

My refusal to vaccinate my child is no business of yours and since you have your precious “herd immunity,” why do you need me? As long as your child isn’t young, or immunosupressed, or unlucky, and as long as you say out of any stores, schools, or theme parks I’ve visited, it is numerically improbable that it will be your specific child who will die because of my flagrant disregard for the public good.

Whether you are the type of person who believes America was founded as a Christian fundamentalist nation for heterosexual couples to ban Spanish and have unlimited access to assault rifles, or whether you believe your Indigo Aura and the constellation Aquarius want you to eschew any cooked food and breastfeed your kids until through 8th grade graduation, I think we can all agree that nothing brings us back to our roots like withering polio and disfiguring smallpox.

Our great-grandparents taught us what really mattered in life – hard work, family and black licorice. They also suffered from corneal ulcerations from their childhood rubeola and lost several siblings to pertussis. If these diseases were good enough for your great granddaddy, aren’t they good enough for your child? Don’t think our children are so much better just because they can operate a touch screen and don’t wear cumbersome iron leg braces.

“But measles?” you ask. “Wasn’t that eradicated in the United States in 2000?” That’s what they WANT you to think! You know what else we thought was wiped out? The American Bison! But thanks to by gosh American gumption, the majestic Bison proudly roams once more. We brought the Eagles back from DDT, we brought Ion Perdicaris back from the Pirate Raisuli, and darn it all, we can bring the measles back.

So, let’s throw a Measles Party! But no slapdash affair with a bunch of poxy kids splashing shirtless in a crummy wading pool. Let’s do it right. With a little extra effort, you can share infections with class and style.

Encourage mingling

Nobody’s getting sick just standing around with their arms folded. Communicable disease required communication, and little ones need to learn etiquette anyway. Share greetings from around the world – Shake hands! Hug! Kiss on both cheeks like Europeans! Rub noses like Native Alaskans! Best of all, take a note from our canine friends and lick each others faces!

Let the games begin

Ice breaker games that encourage full body contact and breathing and salivating in close proximity is what gets the contagion cake baked. Set out the Twister board! Pass Life Savers from mouth to mouth on swizzle sticks! Have everyone drink from the same cup! You’re not just friends now, you’re Measles Buddies.

Kick it old skool

Since we’re celebrating antique epidemics, let’s also include other classic ways children have been endangered: Did you know there is lead based paint available from international dealers on the Internet? Give the party room a few fresh coats! Dis-abate the walls with asbestos you can pick up anywhere an old public school is being torn down! Get out the rusty lawn darts! Oh, and let that dog you keep on a leash in the back yard and rarely feed roam the party freely. Tradition!

It isn’t just about measles

You wouldn’t serve only one beverage or play only one song, so why are you inviting only one disease into the home? Call around – I’m sure you can find another medical skeptic whose child has mumps, rubella, even Hep B! (Have that last one bring a toothbrush to share.)

Don’t forget the snacks

A party is only as good as its food, and since we agree that the CDC is out to get us, we can only infer that the FDA and Health and Human Services is, as well. Kids love cheese, so whip up some Queso Fresco in the bathtub, leave a jar of sun tea on the driveway, serve some hot dogs un-sliced (esophagus shaped, like nature intended!), and of course, spread the peanuts around generously. All this talk about the danger of peanuts is just Obummer and the quack scientists out to ruin your sandwiches.

Your Measles Party is going to be a pathogen-riddled doozy, and an experience your child won’t soon forget, unless complications like acute brain inflammation cause them to. “The CDC says 1 in 1,000 children who develop measles will die from it,” they’ll tell you. But it was Peter Pan who said “death will be the greatest adventure of them all.”

… and kids love Peter Pan!!!

Party on.

A note from the author: There’s a distinct possibility that these measles and chickenpox parties we keep reading about on the web aren’t really happening, or at least very rarely – they just make exciting copy. Regardless of the veracity of the stories about the parties, I stand by the thrust of this satire – that buying into fallacious reasoning, bad facts and playing roulette with your child’s health and the health of other people’s children, is no laughing matter.

If you enjoyed this essay, subscribe to the WDP podcast (One of Podbean’s 10 most downloaded Parenting Podcasts worldwide and an iTunes staff pick for best Parenting humor) for free on iTunes, or listen at whitedadproblems.com. (Do note that the show has a potty mouth and is definitely for Over 17 Only.)

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