I always knew I wanted a larger family. Four kids just felt right to me. Feeling right doesn’t ensure confidence and with every single pregnancy I have always feared what if I was wrong? What if we ruin the good family dynamic we have by adding one more?
When I was pregnant with my second I felt so disconnected and separated as I went into the hospital for her birth. How could I be having another baby, how could I love another baby? My baby was at home.
A friend, who had recently had her second, told me not to worry. You heart doesn’t divide when you have more children, it grows bigger to add each one.
This past Monday my heart grew again as we welcomed our fourth little bundle into this world. Again, I have a two-year-old at home who I worry about. Now I’m not worried if I could love them both, I worry about her missing mommy. I worry about her taking advantage of the lack of routine. I miss her cuddles and her kisses. I worry that we have changed her by giving her a sibling.
That’s of course true. We have changed her, and our other children and ourselves. We all we need to learn to navigate these new roles and we will all watch our hearts grow. Sometimes there are growing pains, especially when you throw a time change in the mix! No one is sleeping.
Lack of sleep means that tantrums are on the rise and patience is on the fall. Everyone is crabby and not themselves.
Then our little guy lets out a squeak and the two-year-old freezes “Uh oh! uh Oh! Bay-bee” and runs to him and starts shushing him. Everyone gathers around and wants to see him. The toddler must kiss his head, and cheek and fingers and whatever she can reach. The big kids want to hold him and kiss him. My heart it grows even bigger watching their hearts grow.
So while the chaos and the tension and the messes may be growing while we navigate this new path, it’s surpassed by the love, joy and let’s be honest, the noise.