There are times when my husband says to me “just be.” I think what he’s trying to say is to be in the moment…and to just…I guess…be. But, truthfully, I am the kind of person who likes to look back and forward. Music, movies, smells all bring me back to points of time. Camp in England. Junior high school. My first date. My first concert (Howard Jones). Satellite radio can bring me right back to the ’80s and the ’90s and I can “feel” like I am in fifth grade listening to Madonna’s “Borderline” while braving my 50-minute commute of the real-time now. Movies can also make me feel a certain “time.” Sometimes I will catch “Pretty in Pink” on TV or even “The Breakfast Club.” You know, the movies that you know the lines to? They bring me back, way, way back. But, now even things that seemed “new” are now starting to feel old. Like “Achtung Baby” by U2. Those songs bring me back to freshman year in college, dating my then-boyfriend, now husband.Every time I hear “Under The Bridge” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers I can’t help but “feel” those spring days of college. And, of course there are smells and tastes. Or, I will go to Chin Chin when I am in LA and have a Chinesechicken salad that reminds me of having dinner with high school friends. Reminders are constant in my world.
On the flip side, I also suffer from “Crystal Ball” syndrome. That’s a phrase that my husband also has coined. “Crystal Ball” is when I try to predict the future and try to make things happen because I think they are going to happen because I have a crystal ball-while completely and utterly stressing myself out. An example of this is PreK (or JK) for my daughter for next year. While I thought it would be easier living in the suburbs (and usually for us it is), our Preschoolfor PreK fall 2010 has a lottery for afternoons vs. mornings. If she gets mornings, everything will work out with our routine, sitter, my work schedule etc. BUT, if she gets afternoons I am going to have to turn my entire work schedule upside down-AND take a child who thrives in the morning and put her into an afternoon program. Instead of just waiting to see what happens, I have been pining over it for weeks-trying to solve my potential scheduling issues EVEN BEFORE I HAVE AN ISSUE. Worrying about this when it hasn’t even happened yet. Hence, the crystal ball.
But, the real issue here isn’t the looking back or the looking forward. It’s that I really do want to “be.” I really do want to be in the now. And, I want to, in my own ways, to freeze time. I am trying to enjoy my kids at 3 1/2and 6. Time is moving so fast. Between their social calendars (and yes, now my little one has a life of parties and activities) and work and other obligations, there is so little time to just “be.” So, without it being a New Year’s resolution, I am really going to try to look back and laugh when hearing that song, catching that smell and seeing that movie clip, try not to stress out about things in the future and BE in the moment.
If I can do that, I maybe have a fighting chance.
