This week’s blog post is by WDP co-host Matt Rocco, who lives in the Edgewater Glen neighborhood of Chicago with Professor Foster ( his “Brown Mom” wife), and their daughter Viva, who are going to be so excited to open the Sudafed Santa brought them – and none of that on-the-shelf jazz … the kind you have to SIGN for.
“But wait,” you might be saying to your computer or mobile device, “six or seven days before Christmas? These writers don’t understand just what ‘last minute’ means to a flailing, irresponsible, modern individual such as myself! I don’t give one thought about gifts until well inside those parameters!” Heck, Amazon Prime can keep you shopping through tomorrow and still get gifts to you in time for Christmas – probably with those drone things they keep promising.
So what about the TRUE last-minute shoppers? The ones who, like the famine victims in a Bono Christmas Carol, barely know it’s Christmas Time at all? Rest easy, Dear Readers – your old pal Matt Rocco is here with foolproof gift ideas for every member of the family – gifts you can get on Christmas Eve, or even Christmas morning while everyone is peeing before they go into the living room! And you can find them on virtually every corner in Chicago and the suburbs.
Every gift on this list is available at the ubiquitous fluorescent Sartre play known as your local Walgreens. And all under $20.
For the Bros: Axe Holiday Gift Pack, $9.99
Nothing says, “My armpits are in a Fraternity” like the Axe Effect. With fragrances like, “Anarchy,” which is touted to have “fresh and fruity notes, and sweet woods like sandalwood and white amber,” Axe is a bodyspray for the kind of young person who wishes Nickelback was a scent. For just $9.99, you can get an Axe holiday gift box, featuring Haters Gonna Hate Spray, Douchenating Wax, “Sweet tips, Brah” Paste, and a Plan B tablet.
For the Brony: My Little Pony Tattoo Pens, $6.99 (Buy 2, Get 1 Free!)
Got an adult male friend or relative unhealthily invested in the childrens’ cartoon “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic?” Who doesn’t?! After all, this is the city of “Furry Conventions,” where grown people dress in mascot costumes for amorous purposes … Bronyism is barely a kink. Make him click his hooves together with joy with these pens – which I think allow you to draw hearts and cupcakes on yourself, and since he probably has more surface area to cover than the intended audience, buy 2 and get 1 free!
For the “Basic” girls: Hot Hands and Toes, Two for $5
There are two things you can count on with females: they don’t understand the finer nuances of Led Zeppelin like you do, and they wish they were at least five degrees warmer right now. That’s just science. Nothing’s going to make them truly appreciate “Houses of the Holy,” but you can keep them warm this winter with those things you put in your gloves and shoes at football games. You’re welcome.
For the Millenials: 3M Natural Glow Screen Protectors, Marked down to $7.39
Those Millenials love their boops and their beeps! Not a moment goes by when they aren’t staring at their phones, or their tablets, or those things that are either giant phones or tiny tablets but Samsung makes them and something something selfies. Show these Trophy Kids that you support their constant ignoring of the world around them with screen protectors for whatever phone they carry. Alienation from real life never looked so shiny.
For little guys: Star Wars Rebels Super 3D Magnetic Dartboard, $6.99
Star Wars. Everybody likes Star Wars, right? Who doesn’t like Star Wars? I don’t recognize any of these characters, but one has a light saber, so I’m down with it. Get the kid on your list that you’re not quite sure what he’s into or where he is age-wise this Star Wars … thing. It’s super! And 3D! It has magnets! What’s not to like? Oh, and it’s a dartboard, so it gets you ready for … hanging out in bars … or perhaps wretched hives of scum and villainy in the Tattooine Desert. Star Wars!
For little ladies: Elsa Ball Cap with Ponytail, $12.99
Cold will never bother her, anyway, with these caps featuring Elsa’s face and a polyester braid hanging off the back. It’s like your face is your face, but the top of your head is Elsa. That’s Disney Magic fit for a princess. Available in Elsa, the angry hermit sorceress, or Anna, the easily-duped libido monster.
For new parents: Pediatric Oral Electrolytes in a Variety of Flavors, $4.29 (Buy one, Get one)
Does the new baby in your family play a lot of intense basketball? Probably. That’s why they make this baby Gatorade, I guess. It comes in Red “Strawberry”, Orange “Fruit” (Don’t know why they didn’t call that “Fruit,” “Orange”), Inexplicably Not-Purple “Grape,” and “Clear,” for that deep down baby thirst.
For Dad and husbands: SunCast Handheld Salt Spreader, $9.99
Ever been to a family Christmas party? At least twenty minutes of the male conversations deal with throwing salt onto roads and sidewalks – but why throw the salt with your hand when you can pour it into a thing you crank? It’s like a plastic cup, but it costs $9.99 and has a crank – and that’s better living through cranking.
For Mom or wives: Extendable Back Scratcher, $4.99
Ladies have backs, and backs need scratching. Sometimes from up close, sometimes from far away, and that’s why this extendable back scratcher telescopes to a variety of lengths. And, really, you don’t want a person scratching your back with their nails, because if they then go and commit a crime they’ll have had your DNA under their fingernails and it’ll seem like you did. Oh, and it comes in different colors for that personal touch.
For the olds: Those Sunglasses Things That Go Over Your Glasses, $19.99, Pedi Perfect Electronic Foot File, $39.99
Because you can’t put Dwight D. Eisenhower or the CBS Television Network under the Christmas tree, try the next best things for persons of advanced maturity – those giant things you put over your glasses that make them into sunglasses and make you look like an elderly X-Man, or A Foot Gross Stuff Shaver Off-er. Something about aging turns your feet into gnarly tree stumps, and the Pedi Perfect will help you keep your petrifying feet as foot shaped as possible, for as long as possible.
For the Racist with a Sense of Whimsy: Animatronic Chihuahua in a Sombrero with Maracas that sings, “Mamacita, Donde Esta Santa Claus?”, $14.99
It’s always hard to shop for a racist, especially when you don’t have a FOID card, but what hatemonger wouldn’t like this musical robot stereotype? Forget Largemouth Bass with Santa Hats Singing, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” – this caroling dog is where it’s at for anyone at your Christmas party who frequently calls the President, “Obummer.”
And finally, the As Seen on TV aisle
If the items above don’t strike your fancy, you should really have your fancy checked out by a professional. Still, you can check out the “As Seen on TV Aisle” for an evergreen treasure trove of gifts, including:
The Suzanne Somers 3 Way Poncho, $19.99: What are the three ways? Let Chrissy Snow tell you. They are: Professional, Casual, and Dressy. And she’s not only stylish … She’s the Sheriff.
The Potato Express, $9.99: The Soul Train was the Hippest Trip in America, but the Potato Express is a close second. Finally, you can cook potatoes in some kind of nylon sack! “All Types of Potatoes – White, Red, Yams & More.” The possibilities are staggering.
Copper Hands Arthritis Gloves or Anti-Fatigue Copper Threaded Compression Socks, $14.99: Cure aching hands and feet through the miracle of bald-faced charlatanism.
Squishy Sand Moldable Sand, $14.99: Winter in Chicago – kids miss sand. Here’s a jar of sand, kid. Stay in school.
Stufz “America’s Stuffed Burger” Burger Stuffer, $9.99: Stuff burgers like a professional burger stuff with this device that puts a small dent in raw hamburger. Perfect for people who love to cook but don’t own a spoon.
There you go, friends. Forget holiday traffic, forget those UPS stickers on your door that mean you have to find out where packages go when they don’t go to your house. Go to Walgreens at midnight on Dec. 24th and deck your family’s halls with comfort, joy, heavenly peace, and a poncho that can be Professional, Casual, OR Dressy.
Ho Ho Ho!