Ignorance was bliss: New life after loss

As a parent, sometimes the less you know is better. That toddler being suspiciously quiet in the other room? Best finish your coffee before investigating, you’re going to need it.

On Monday I will walk into the Labor and Delivery unit for the fifth time to have our fourth and final baby. As I make this final journey there is so much I wish I was ignorant of. SO much I wish I could erase from my mind so I could walk in fully present and joyful in the moment.

I wish I didn’t know that 12 weeks wasn’t a “magic” number and that babies sometimes still don’t make it to the third trimester. I wish I didn’t have first hand, medical insider (former career) information on all that could still go wrong during or after the birth.

Knowledge is not always power, sometimes it fuels fear and anxiety.

My knowledge and experience means I walk into that room more nervous and scared than that first exciting time. It means I will hug all my kids just a little bit tighter and hold on to them just a little bit longer.

It has a bright side, that fear and anxiety. I will become acutely aware of every single thing that happens on Monday. I will count those little fingers and toes and kiss each one a million times. I will take in every hair on that head and make sure it is seared into my memory. I will stare into my husbands eyes and I will feel the love grow as our family grows. I will take a deep breath and appreciate what a blessing and a miracle our family is because I am keenly aware of how different it could be.

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