Handsome Dad: Frequently asked questions of one Chicago DILF

This week’s blog post is by WDP co-host Matt Rocco, who lives in the Edgewater Glen neighborhood of Chicago with Professor Foster (his non-white, non-dad wife), and their daughter Viva, who is endlessly taken aback by her parents’ good looks and charm.

Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there.

As you likely inferred from the title, I’m a Handsome Dad. Sure, I know the term “D.I.L.F.” and I won’t say it’s never been lobbed in my direction, but I don’t like to talk like that, you know, with children around.

I’m flattered, though. Thank you.

So, what’s it like to be so disarmingly masculine and fetchingly distinguished? Oh, it’s not so bad. You can get used to anything, right? Some days I don’t even think about how striking I am for a good 45 minutes, even an hour, but then I catch a furtive glance from a member of the yoga pants-and-strollers set, or perhaps a curious twenty-something ogling the salt and pepper in my temples, and I have to remind myself, Yes, Dad, they’re looking at you.

Go on, ask me anything. I’m not shy, I’m just your average thirty-something dad with a matinee idol jaw and the same waist size he had when he was 18. No big deal.

Handsome Dad, is your Handsomeness and Charm a distraction when you bring your child to classes or out shopping?

I’d be lying if I said that many mothers don’t occasionally drop their children off the play bridge at Gymboree when they hear my potent laugh and see me treating my daughter with respect and affection. Luckily the kids fall right on the squishy mat and they’re OK. At the supermarket I do what I can to cover up in a tasteful pea coat with a richly colored scarf for a hint of European flair, but sometimes it is difficult to go unnoticed, especially with my adorable daughter oft repeating, “How I love you, Daddy. How lucky Mommy is.”

Handsome Dad, is it difficult to stay so handsome?

Well, time is at a premium these days, what with my exciting career, the time spending building forts and doing crafts with my daughter, my writing, the landscaping, and of course, all the hours being emotionally present for my wife. But you can never be too busy for after shave, styling gel, manly-but-well-groomed eyebrows, and an up-to-date and seasonally apropos wardrobe.

The real key is to have the gene for handsomeness. I guess I just do. Don’t be too hard on yourself, though, sometimes it comes out late in life.

Handsome Dad, do you think you will ever stop becoming more and more handsome?

If an end is coming, I’ve seen no signs of it yet.

Handsome Dad, I’m scared. Are you going to seduce my wife?

That wouldn’t be very sporting, would it? No. Besides, as a Handsome Dad I find myself married to an almost cruelly Sexy Mom, so why would I need to? (Plus, she frowns on that sort of thing.) I can’t speak for your wife’s intentions, though. As Emily Dickinson said, “Sometimes the heart wants what it wants.”

Wait, who is asking these questions? Are you writing these questions yourself?

Ha ha ha. You’re quite a jokester.

Well, that’s about all the time I have. I need to start dinner before my wife comes home – we’re opening a special bottle of wine tonight. Something from our Napa trip, I think. I know it’s only Tuesday, but, what can I say, she deserves it. Oh, and first I’m going to go out and split some logs with my shirt off. Sure, I live in the city and don’t have a fireplace, but I like to donate firewood to the poor.

It’s just the kind of Handsome Dad I am.

If you enjoyed this essay, subscribe to the WDP podcast for free on iTunes!

You can also listen atwhitedadproblems.com. (Do note that the show has a potty mouth and is definitely for Over 17 Only.)

And follow the Dads on Facebook and on Twitter: @whitedadprobs.

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