With six weeks of rain, temperatures reminiscent of mid-October, and school registration upon us, I am feeling hosed. In an era touted as “Global Warming on a Stick,” why the heck are we putting sweatshirts on the kiddies in August? And if we do have to endure this craptastic version of summer, why didn’t anyone tell the mosquitos? I probably have malaria by now with 450 bites, but my skin is still winter-white. I’m pasty and translucent. You can see all the way through to my spleen.
In an effort to alter the final weeks of summer vacation, I am demanding some blazing hot days. I request that Tom Skilling offer a forecast requiring us to go door-to-door checking on grandmas. I am petitioning the powers that be to provide a real honest-to-God conclusion to summer before all the fundraising packets and Market Day order forms appear at my door.
I live for summer. As someone who hates the cold more than serial killers, anchovies, and barking dogs combined, summer is that one time of year I possess boundless energy, childlike optimism, and a general love of all mankind.
The rest of the time? Not so much. I mean, I may offer you a glass of water if you were dying of thirst or something, but that’s only if I don’t have to go out into the cold to get it.
When my husband and I plan our retirement, Joe has all kinds of stipulations and addendums. Restaurants, housing, and access to culture play a significant role in his decision. Me? Pitch a tent on a beach in Florida and I’d be happy. I could eat the sand.
I know there are plenty people out there who enjoy the changing seasons, colorful foliage, and all those dreadful cold weather sports, but I am simply not one of them.
Give me 90 degrees and blindingly sunny days, and I am capable of conquering the world.
So come on, Mother Nature. I’m not sure if you were part of the sequester sacrifices along with the Blue Angels and White House tours, but I beg you. One week. Give me one solid week of blistering, beach-worthy weather and I owe you big.
I’ll even swear off all my aerosol hairspray forever and ever.