A Chicago parent’s guide to hashtags

Since like, before computers existed (I can’t even), one can only assume parents had proud parenting moments. Luckily, we now have the social media hashtags to prove it. The photo of a mom bench-pressing a million pounds while simultaneously stirring the Crock-Pot with her toes, for example, earns her some high hashtag awards: #ProteinParent, #MomOfTheYear, #BuffMom, #LikeItsHard? Well deserved, multi-tasking mom.

We won’t discuss the rest of your day which consists of picking up 5,000 Legos and scrubbing Crayola murals off the furniture. People might think you are actually human and take your hashtags away.

But really, when did the “#” symbol became tiny awards given to the social media savvy?

The use of the hashtag was to allow common interests to be searchable, and to connect like-minded people. They can be extremely beneficial when building a brand or promoting a call for action. Some parents, however, have turned a great way to stay connected locally and globally into a full contact competitive hashtagging bloodbath.

We owe it to the new parents out there, confused as to why everyone seems to be breezing through parenthood, to change the social media culture of perfect parenting. Let’s add a little honestly to our feeds. If you’re not quite sure where to start, I’ve included a few regular parenting scenarios and offered a more realistic hashtag approach.

Scenario 1

You take a smiley pic of your babes on the swingset. The sun is shining and you are thankful the kids are buckled to something  other than you for a change. Thinking of buckles reminds you about the car seat that needs to be hosed down after diaper fury was unleashed upon it on the way to the park.

Fight the urge to say: The sun is shining and so is my angel. #PerfectDay #AngelBaby #MomLife

Say what really happened: He’s smiling because he unleashed the brown flood. #SoSmelly #NoWipes #DiapersAsWipes #SendWineASAP

Scenario 2

Your baby fell asleep on your chest. So cute, right? But dish the deets. Sometimes babies quietly slumber, and that should certainly be documented and given exemplary hashtags. For the other 90 percent of the time, be real for the mom who can’t get her child to bed.

Fight the urge to say: Peace, love and harmony, all swaddled up with my little bundle of joy. #SleepyTime #PeacefulPrincess #HappyFamily

Say what really happened: No words. Can’t think straight. #AmIDrunk #GoTheFokToSleep #WhatsSleep #ILovePillow

Scenario 3

Your child performs in the school play. He/she was the best dancing lobster you have ever seen.

What you want to say: My little one is the third dancing lobster on the left! #ThirdLobsterIsTheBestLobster #LobsterLife #IloveLobster #ProudParent

Absolutely say that! A dancing lobster is incredible on every level. Hashtag every other word, and end it with a big #ProudAF.

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