(Because I’m fairly certain that’s the last time we did it up right.)
Dress unabashedly in cherry red (with as many pink and fuchsia and violet accents as humanly possible). It pretty much goes without saying, but an easy way to win the day is if your shoes, sweater or headband sparkle. Don’t be afraid of face glitter, nor of multi-layered (multi-colored) shirts. Light-up pins add a classy touch, too.
Hang an oversized paper envelope (decorated in Snoopy stickers) outside your front door. (Place a sign with a big x and an arrow leading to the paper envelope atop your real, functional mailbox.) Stare out the window without blinking.
When mailing bills, load up each envelope with glitter and Cupid-shaped confetti. Puffy stickers add an extra bit of “I care” to an otherwise boring renewal slip. When a customer service agent later calls to thank you–and they will–ask if they like the scratch n’ sniff you so generously shared. (Gremlin stickers ain’t cheap.)
Sign off on all emails with “your secret admirer.”
Spend your lunch break dedicating songs on the radio to pretty much everyone you know. Choose only hair metal tunes with themes you’re pretty sure concern everlasting love. (Examples: Whitesnake’s “Is This Love,” George Michael’s “Father Figure.”) Turn the radio up as high as it goes and, every time a new song starts, yell “Wait, wait, wait … you’re gonna love this one!” Point to the recipient of the dedication and nod excitedly. (Bonus points: Wonder aloud who could possibly have sent this magnificent song!) This is especially great for an office setting.
Stop all work promptly at 1 p.m. and wait for someone to pass out heart-shaped cupcakes. (Sometimes people need gentle reminders that it’s time to pass out heart-shaped cupcakes. Saying something along the lines of “IS IT TIME TO PASS OUT HEART-SHAPED CUPCAKES YET?” helps a lot.)
Remind your friends that you refuse to play favorites in terms of who made you the best Valentine. (Exchange a secret handshake with your best friend, the one who knows that pink Starbursts attached to that one gigantic Valentine in the box of cards will totally earn her Top Valentine honors.)
By day’s end, you’ll pretty much be floating in a sea of red cellophane-wrapped chocolates. (You know, the fancy ones shaped like hearts?)
Happy Valentine’s Day, BFFs.