Imagine a sleep-away camp just for moms with an agenda designed specifically to help modern mothers with the skills they need most. Here are a few activities I think would be just great:
- Peace pipes 101. Wouldn’t it be great to whittle a chunk of tree into a magical pipe whose homeopathic and non-carcinogenic smoke calmed even the most restless of natives and settled one ridiculous argument after another? Instead we’ll be taught to tame our wild tribes with patience, deep breathing and a don’t-get-sucked-in mentality. (I like the magic pipe idea better.)
- Lighting the “camp fire” and keeping it lit. Here you’ll explore ways to keep your hot and sexy home fire blazing for years with as minimal an effort as possible, and despite lengthy stretches of limited sleep. Manipulation, negotiation and bargaining skills will be the cornerstones of this activity.
- The art of choosing good cabin mates. Much of how your time at camp goes down has to do with the girls you choose to be your BFFs. You’ll be given guidelines on how to form your inner circle of supportive sisters, ways to douse the drama and how to spot a mean mom-girl a mile away.
- Boating up stream without a paddle. Some annoyingly centered person once said, “It’s not what happens to you in life, but how you react to it.” In this camp-tivity, you’ll learn techniques for handling the paddle-less moments motherhood throws at you on a daily basis. Like driving carpool with a gas gauge on “E,” making dinner from a foodless house and teaching your 15-year-old to drive. Campers will leave with direct numbers to a Jewish mother, God and Oprah.
- Trail blazing. After a long and confusing, albeit beautiful, hike through a completely unfamiliar wood, you’ll be given 75 child-rearing handbooks, a selection of articles written by “parenting experts” and a book of matches. After setting them all ablaze, we’ll provide the marshmallows as we sing “Kumbaya” and revel in the glory that we’re all blazing this unpredictable and uncharted trail together.