This week’s blog post is by The Paternity Test co-host Matt Boresi, who lives in the Edgewater Glen neighborhood of Chicago with his wife (“Professor Foster”) and their 4-year-old daughter Viva, who haven’t yet aimed at “YouTube famous.”
By now you’ve no doubt read stories about Brianna and Jaelin White (“Wassup!”), the “YouTube famous” 18-year-old Arizona couple who rented two apartments in Chicago to expand their “house-flipping” business. The appropriately named Whites had a negative experience with a local at the Granville Street ‘L’ stop which may or may not have ended in Jaelin getting “punched in the face” and Brianna scooping up his lost shoe like “such a baller.” At that point they leapt into a stranger’s car which they thought was their Uber and, only one day after arriving in the Windy City, returned to Phoenix, the beige wasteland full of birther Sheriffs and angry feral swine they once again call home.
Is that all there is to do near Red Line stops on the far North side? Hide in Subway sandwich shops and commandeer random vehicles? I’m no makeup-reviewing YouTube star, but I think there’s more that can be enjoyed … IF YOU DARE!
Here are five Red Line stops around the White’s former stomping grounds and what your family can do nearby:
Start your day with a freshly made sticky bun at this Uptown bakery run by a former instructor at Le Cordon Bleu. An Edgewater location is in the works.
Head to the Uptown location of First Ascent, where you can work off that pastry by bouldering with your family in a second floor rock-climbing space overlooking the music venues and verve of the Lawrence intersection.
Hungry from the climbing? On Saturdays, 8 a.m.-1 p.m. through Oct. 15, the parking lot of the venerable Broadway Armor hosts the Edgewater Farmers’ Market. Fill your basket with Kate’s Cookies, Stamper Cheese and maybe an Amazing Kale Burger.
Did you leave the kids at home? Check out Independent Spirits for frequent wine tastings, a helpful staff and a well-curated and affordable slate of wine and spirits. (And a wine bar coming soon!)
Walk right into newly opened RAM art studio and paint pottery with the family, or attend one of their theme nights or classes.
It’ll be hard to make art and not treat yourself to some frozen custard at old-fashioned and always hopping soda fountain Lickety Split.
These are at the Granville stop, though, so be on the lookout for Bieber-haired house flippers–they may need your help.
Edgewater staple Third Coast Comics has moved to the Granada Center at Loyola University and the area has become a joyful bustle of new stores and activities, including a pop-up version of Chicago-themed boutique (featuring handmade items by local artists), Local Goods.
Grab some comics from Third Coast’s Terry Gant and a Kylo Ren-themed Chicago flag at Local Goods, then end your day with a Pokéwalk through Loyola’s breathtaking and always improving lakeside campus.
A day full of delicious food and incredible activities, all without one sock to the jaw. The Whites don’t know what they were missing.
If you enjoyed this essay, subscribe (free!) to The Paternity Test Comedy Podcast on iTunes or on Soundcloud, or visit www.paternitypodcast.com.
Follow the Dads on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest and on Twitter at @thedadtest or email them at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Call The Paternity Test on their hotline: (657) BAD DADS and leave a message or a question they can play on the podcast!