Chicago dad to Sheryl Sandberg: Don’t tell me how to talk to my kids

As a parent, I always appreciate some good advice now and again. My mom passed away when my oldest was a year and a half, so it’s always welcomed.

However, that being said, there seems to be a new trend of celebrities and politicians making videos telling us how to talk to and raise our kids.

I am all for a good public service announcement, cuz’ “Only you can prevent forest fires,” however, having celebrities sit in front of a camera and tell me what I should and shouldn’t be saying to my kids is annoying and needs to stop.

We don’t tell their nannies how to raise their kids, why have Jane Lynch and Batman’s wife suddenly decided that I want to hear their parenting tips? Does Jane Lynch even have kids?

I understand they are trying to spread positive thoughts about raising healthy little girls and boys, but why don’t they start with their own kind: see Lindsey Lohan, Justin Bieber and the 100 other Hollywood head cases. You all live in a town and work in an industry that celebrates excess and awful behavior, and you are telling me what again?

I will admit it right here and now, I have used the phrases “Be a man” with my son and “Don’t be so bossy” with my daughter. However, every single day, I make sure I say to them, “Are you proud of yourself today? Tell me why,” and “Attack the day with all of your positive energy” (Jim Harbaugh’s dad used that one) and “You can do anything if you believe in yourself.”

It is my hope and my dream that those are the phrases they will remember as they grow and mature. I hear them say it a lot: “Dad, I was scared but I believed in myself and I did it.” or “I got an ‘A’. I studied really hard and got an ‘A.’ I am proud of myself,” and on and on.

Now, in the instances that I use those phrases we are no longer allowed to use, I always follow with an explanation:

To my three-year-old daughter at 5 a.m., while having a tea party: “Honey, quit being so bossy. It doesn’t matter how I serve Bunny Bear the tea. I am pretty sure he’s going to enjoy it.”

To my five-year-old son after the baby crawls across his feet for the umpteenth time: “Buddy, be a man. He’s a baby and weighs 24 pounds. There’s no way that hurt.”

If these are the phrases that f@#% up my kids then I have dodged the biggest parenting bullet in the history of parenting because I have made much bigger mistakes than using the wrong words.

These are my kids we’re talking about; they are already up against a massive 8 ball!

Yes, words hurt. But so do bad movies and annoying videos. Well not really, but they are a bit self serving and over the top. Jennifer Garner, if you want to help a cause, call your hubby’s bestie Matt Damon. He always has something or someone to save.

Hey famous people and Sheryl Sandberg, if you really want to make a video that actually helps parents and children, make one telling me how to get them to eat broccoli, flush the toilet or stay in bed. That would make for a much happier home and in turn, happier children.

“Hello I am Beyonce, you know, Blue Ivy’s mom. If you simply check on your kid as he wipes his a&$, he will most likely stop using the entire roll and clogging the toilet.”

That’s information I need.

Sheryl Sandberg, you want to fix something? Fix Facebook for heaven’s sake. Make it the fun, idea sharing community it used to be, and not a money hungry monster that has more rules than an Amish girl on a first date.

According to Jennifer Garner is worth close to 40 million dollars.

You want to help save my kids? Pay for their college educations. That way you can make them hemp wearing vegans if you want to, but until then, quit telling me how to talk to my kids.

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