This week’s blog post is by The Paternity Test co-host Matt Boresi, who lives in the Edgewater Glen neighborhood of Chicago with his wife (“Professor Foster”) and their 4-year-old daughter who likes sprinkles as a topping, a grooming product or a full meal.
If you were any where near an Interweb last week, you probably noticed that Glitter Beards are the new fashion trend that hirsute men across the country are adopting. From New York Magazine to Esquire to Buzzfeed, everyone was declaring Glitter Beards to be a sort of, actual thing. And if Buzzfeed says it, it must be true. After all, that’s how I learned about 15 Former Child Stars You Won’t Believe Were Eaten By Crocodiles (No. 9 will change how you feel about everything.).
Now, Glitter Beards (beards covered in glitter) may be flashy, may be appealing and may compliment that sequined jumpsuit you bought for your Roller Boogie theme party and have been dying to get a second wear out of, but they are impractical. You’re going to end up eating some glitter. You’re going to end up aspirating some glitter. (My Great-Grandfather died of Glitter Lung – he spend his life working in the Velvet Goldmines.) Frankly, that glitter is going to end up on everything and everyone you love. That’s why they call glitter the “Herpes of the Crafting World.” (It’s also the “Herpes of the Preschool Art Project World” and the “Herpes of the Cosmetics World.” I’d also call it the “Herpes of the Musical Theatre World,” but I’m pretty sure Herpes is the “Herpes of the Musical Theatre World.”)
Glitter Beards are a ridiculous notion, which, like Dad Bods, Normcore and Ashton Kutcher as a serious actor, simply must not be entertained any further. But I shant rain on the parade of Glitter Beards without providing an alternative – that would just leave a sad, glittery mess.
Instead, World, I give you: Sprinkle Beards.
I’m talking about the tiny confections we put on ice cream and cupcakes. Candy-based edible decorations – nonpareils, dragées, jimmies. Like glitter, sprinkles are bright, whimsical and easily stuck in facial hair. Unlike glitter, sprinkles are edible. Sure they’re a little invasive, and rather appealing to ants if not removed – but they CAN be removed, unlike glitter, which will still be clinging to your skeleton long after scavengers and time have consumed the rest of your body.
Kids love sprinkles, and your kid will finally love you once you’ve put on your Sprinkle Beard. They’ll even help you assemble it – a sprinkle for your beard, a sprinkle for them, etc. It will enliven your holiday parties, won’t poison any drinks you lean over and every time you lick your face or scratch your nose … delicious sprinkles!!!
If I haven’t sold you yet, then you just need to try a Sprinkle Beard for yourself. It’s simple, really – just comb some honey through your beard. Honey is also delicious, and encourages the propagation of bees, which are dying off at alarming rate. Alternately, just spread frosting across your face and add the sprinkles by, well, sprinkling!
Walk tall with your Sprinkle Beard, and when you cross paths with a hipster still sporting a Glitter Beard, simply scoff, munch on some beard fixin’s, and say “Oh, still doing the Glitter Beard thing, huh? Yeah, I remember that trend. Sooo late November. Well, gotta go, my lady is waiting for me to show up with this colorful and scrumptious beard.”
You’ve already got the beard you grew during No-Shave November as you wrote (most of) your NaNoWriMo novel, and you’ve probably got the sprinkles from the sundae bar that turned your kid’s birthday into a sugar-fueled smashmouth that the unfortunate actor dressed as Baymax from “Big Hero Six” will never forget. (Though he’ll try as he mends the slashes in his suit.) It’s time to take two great concepts and meld them into the greatest fashion statement you’ve adopted since your Brioche Man Bun was tragically set upon by ravenous Ortolans.
CATCH MATT AND “THE PATERNITY TEST” ON WINDY CITY LIVE – THURSDAY, DEC. 3 AT 11 A.M. ON ABC 7, CHICAGO!
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