26 things a Chicago dad does only because of parenting

Some behaviors are inexcusable. I'm looking at you, Walter White. 

Then there’s things that you don’t even realize you do. Things that bring confused looks and whispered questions from friends and co-workers.

 Those have an excuse. Or at least an explanation: Because of parenting. Because of parenting, I've had three cups of coffee this morning. 

I’m singing the theme song to “Bubble Guppies” under my breath.

My back hurts.

I’m worried about terrorism, obscure airborne viruses and countless unlikely dangers.

I smell like regurgitated baby formula.

I cried at the end of “The LEGO Movie.” Shut up.

I know a lot about dinosaurs.

There are stickers on my pants.

I won’t attend a 5 p.m. meeting.

I send emails at 4 a.m.

Five minutes of silence sets off my Spidey-Sense.

I started going to the doctor.

I think the complaints of single people are cute.

I’m closer to my wife.

I miss my wife more.

I think I’m the greatest guy in the world.

I’m convinced I’m a complete failure as a father.

Netflix thinks I’m five.

I feel selfish having half an hour to myself.

I grab alone time like a drowning man hugs a life preserver.

I’m sick of coming up with excuses for not following my dreams.

I think about God or the Universe of The Force of whatever you want to call it.

I’m more selective with my friendships.

Screaming babies don’t bother me.

I’ve no patience for immature adults.

I’ll dance, make ridiculous faces, pretend to be a monster and sing little jingles I made up, all in public, and be totally unembarrassed by doing it.

These are just a few of mine. What are some of your “because of parenting” behaviors?

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