18 things you never thought you’d say as a parent

Parenthood is a great teacher. Sure, some of the “lessons” are things you could’ve probably skated along just fine without, but few educations are this rewarding—or strange. 

Chicagoland moms and dads share the silly, sentimental and sticky things they’ve learned on the journey and—spoiler—even though they’ve made us weirdos, most of us wouldn’t change a gosh-darned thing.

Before kids, would you have said this?

Googly eyes do not belong in your nose. — Hubbell R., Chicago

Yeah, you think boobs are so exciting now. Wait ’til you actually get them. — Vanessa J., Chicago

We do NOT put our mouths on ANY surface of public transportation. — Taylor W., Chicago

New rule: You have to know your new friend’s name before you can kiss them. — Jil M., Chicago

Why are there so many naked dolls on the living room floor? — Nat T., Lindenhurst

Please stop drooling on the dog. — Samara H., Chicago

Yes, I’m sure when all four of the Beatles are dead they will do a concert in heaven for your cat. — Matt B., Chicago

Can you please stop celebrating and announcing you’re tooting while we’re at Mariano’s? — Stephanie B.,  Des Plaines

You have to get consent before you jump off the couch on someone. — P.J. S., Chicago

Where do markers go? On paper? Then why is your body blue? — Jacqueline M., Chicago

There is no such thing as a “dressy” pair of sweatpants. — Stephanie F., Chicago

Oh, the things we never thought we’d do:

When passing through security at work, I dug in my purse for my work ID and pulled out 3 LOL Dolls and one spare pair of toddler underwear before finding my ID buried at the bottom. — Jil M., Chicago

One time I went to work, opened my bag and realized that my baby had vomited inside it. Working mom fun! — Jamie B., Chicago

Why do I now KNOW this?

No good can come from a quiet toddler. — Wendy D., LaGrange

When my kid shows me any single finger I can bet there is a booger to be removed. — Hubbell R., Chicago

I can no longer leave my house without having snacks on me—even if I’m going somewhere by myself—and my lunch at home typically consists of the food my toddler refused to eat on her lunch plate. — Jil M., Chicago

And those moments where you realize you actually miss the little punks, like… 

…Begging your husband to keep the kids at home while you get to go to the grocery store by yourself, then desperately wanting to have someone sitting in the shopping cart to mindlessly talk with. — Jil M., Chicago

…Counting down the minutes until your kids go to bed, knowing full well that you’ll spend the rest of the evening looking at pictures of them because you miss them. Like a chump. — Wendy D., LaGrange

This article originally appeared in the digital edition of Hey Baby. Read the rest of the issue

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