5 parenting trends coming to annoy you in 2019

Humans have been parenting since we crawled out of the water and our tails fell off, but we still can’t agree on how it should be done. Of course, if anyone did crack the code of child-rearing, new methods still wouldn’t stop, because as long as there are multi-million dollar industries predicated on teaching you new ways to parent, there will be new parenting trends pushed down your throat annually. Now that the world has largely woken up to the fact that gender-reveal parties are largely regressive, narcissistic and cause forest fires, we’ll see fewer in the new year. That doesn’t mean we won’t see weird new stuff, such as:

“Lawnmower Parenting”

This is really just proactive helicopter parenting. Instead of torturing their child’s teachers about everything the teacher has done, a lawnmower parent tortures the teachers about things they haven’t done YET. Don’t wait until parent-teacher conferences to criticize the classroom management, teaching methods, and assessment … weigh in about how you want it done when you’re touring the classroom in the late summer! The term “lawnmower parenting” is meant to imply that the parent is mowing down a path for their child instead of following along behind them, except … lawnmowers aren’t for carving out paths, so the term is as garbage as the lifestyle.

Subscription Toys

You know how nowadays you can get vegetables and shaving razors and vinyl superhero figurines sent to your house each month? I haven’t signed up for any of this stuff but podcast commercials would have you believe it’s the greatest thing since mail order eyeglasses. Anyhow, the hot new thing for 2019 is supposed to be boxes full of rented toys for your babies and toddlers. The services claim these toys are sanitized but … Have you ever seen a used baby toy? They look about as appealing as used food, and you just KNOW they’ve been thrown up on more times than Post Malone’s front lawn. Still, baby toys are expensive and only interesting to your child for a staggeringly short amount of time, so if you want to save some dough, sign up for a service that sends a tired rubber giraffe with some other kid’s teeth marks in it RIGHT TO YOUR DOOR!

“Raindrop Names”

Baby Name Wizard described these ever-popularizing Baby Names in 2013 as, “supple, multisyllabic creations…mirror-smooth, self-contained miniatures: raindrops. A “raindrop name” shows its liquid form by packing two or more syllables into four or fewer letters. Its consonant sounds maintain a smooth and tranquil surface.”

Goodbye all you Jaydens, Braydens, and Kaydens. So long Jacksons, Axtons, and Zaxxons. The best names for 2019 sound more like Noah and Liam and Emma and Rory and Mara and Nola and Elon and Ronin. Short, expressive buttery names like Isla and Chloe and Arlo and Leon and Lily and Mia and… boy, racks of personalized mugs going to look precious and sappy in a few years.

Old Time Radio

Parents are terribly concerned about screen time, so instead of letting the kids veg out in front of an iPad, they’re letting them grow catatonic in front of a small glowing pillar: Amazon’s Alexa. The hot new distraction device is the home assistant that can play audio stories for the kids. It’s like the 30s through the 50s all over again, except now the shows aren’t brought to you by cigarette companies … although your kids can use Alexa to order USB-port-looking JUULs that let them get high without stinking up your rumpus room.

Flip Phones

We’re all addicted to our communications devices. That’s why smart parents are giving their kids old-fashioned flip phones instead of smartphones. That way, your kid can still get cancer from carrying an electromagnetic device in their pocket all day, but they won’t be able to check the weather or search the vast trove of human knowledge held on the internet. Go parents!

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