Families today can look quite different than the traditional households in which our grandparents were raised. Unlike the generations before us, today’s modern families are breaking stigmas and embracing new normal, which includes everything from blended families to happy, divorced couples who are rocking co-parenting.
Tied together by a thread of love
In each of our homes we get to decide what family looks like despite perceptions others may have of what does and doesn’t make a family. Meet three modern Chicagoland families. The thread that ties them all together? Love.
The Pearce Family: Special open adoption
The Pearce family of Chicago is always together happily. Pauline, her husband TJ, and their two young sons, Kendrick and Ari. Also in attendance for special get-togethers, or most days for that matter, is Maryellen Kandu, or “Mimi,” Kendrick’s birth mom.
When the Pearces adopted Kendrick, they went the route of open adoption, which generally consists of varying degrees of communication exchanges over the years. But after seeing Maryellen about once a month for the first year of Kendrick’s life, Pauline and Maryellen developed a friendship.
“Once we got through that awkward phase, which is normal in many open adoptions, she became one of my closest friends in the world,” says Pearce. “We share friend groups, have dinners and take family vacations together. People who know us know us as a package deal.”
Pearce admits this type of relationship is “truly unheard of” but has benefitted her family — especially Kendrick, 6, — in so many ways.
“Kendrick gets to feel really big feelings with Mimi,” she says. “He acts out for her, too, in the way kids do for just their parents. They talk on the phone and make TikToks together. They have their own really sweet relationship, and I wouldn’t change it for anything.”
Since Kendrick was old enough to understand, he’s known that Mimi is his birth mom. At an age-appropriate level, the Pearces told Kendrick that Mimi needed help raising her baby.
“We say we are doing it as a team. Mom and Dad do it every day and Mimi connects to him through blood and mannerisms. We tell him anything and everything and explain how we all have a role in his life in an age-appropriate way,” Pearce says.
Mimi has also developed a close relationship with the Pearces’ younger son Ari, 3, who she calls her nephew. In the last few years, the family and Mimi have vacationed in Florida and Mexico and the Pearces watched Mimi graduate from college.
Pearce is proud to take away some of the stigmas that people have around adoption, and says her family, like any family, experiences its ups and downs.
“When I pictured my family, I never imagined this,” she says. “It truly is wild and unconventional where we are, but it just makes sense to have Mimi with us whenever and wherever we can.”
The Ross Family: Big blended family
Marni Ross and her husband Don have a busy, blended household in Riverwoods, consisting of five children between the ages of 5 and 10. They have their daily routines pretty much down to a science, but it came with a lot of trial and error to find their rhythm.
Both recently separated from their exes in 2019, Marni and Don quickly fell in love. With Marni having three children and Don having two, they agreed that any long-term relationship must involve their kids. They wanted a blended family and decided to uphold a very strong respect for their respective exes.
“We agreed we wouldn’t even introduce the idea of their mommy or daddy having a partner without getting OKs from the exes,” says Marni. “It was scary and overwhelming, but we did it and it wound up being the perfect step for our family. It was the key that blended our family as drama-free as it could be.”
As the child of a difficult divorce, Marni never wanted to have her kids witness an ounce of hostility from them toward their exes.
“I really have to thank our exes for being kind,” she says. “That’s easy to say, but oftentimes, very hard to do when wounds are fresh.”
After experiencing some of the typical ups and downs when blending their families, Marni and Don remain committed to being thoughtful about their communications with the kids so they are viewed as a team.
Today, while the Rosses do experience occasional bumps in the road, they consider their family lucky.
“A blended family means creating opportunities for the kids to be loved more, and for the chance for us to have a co-captain in life once again,” says Marni. “Our kids are on the ride with us, and we try to be grateful and patient. We chose this life after all.”
The Yu Family: Close co-parenting
For many couples, divorce can mark the beginning of a happier new era for the entire family unit. That is true for Janice Yu of Chicago and her ex-husband, who have been divorced for about a year. While their two kids, Addison, 7, and Calvin, 4, rotate between Mom and Dad’s houses (only five minutes apart), Janice says not much has changed for the kids.
In an effort to provide memories and shared experiences for their kids, the four family members still do everything together, from seeing movies to celebrating milestones and even taking Spring Break vacations.
“From the very early conversations of separation and divorce, we were both in agreement that we wanted to be very present in our kids’ lives more than just 50/50 co-parenting,” says Yu. “We decided to be a modern family and show our kids that we can get along and still be present and happy in the same room.”
Yu says she and her ex couldn’t bear the thought of robbing their kids of special memories just because they weren’t together anymore. Whenever possible, they strive to provide their kids with as many traditional family moments as possible.
Yu and her ex are both in new relationships, which she admits adds another level of complexity to their situation. However, the two remain committed to the best interests of their children above all else.
“It takes a lot of coordination and a lot of hard conversations to continue to make it work,” says Yu. “One thing we always ask ourselves is whether we are making decisions from the spouse mindset or the parenting mindset. The answer should always be the latter.”
Love Chat
Love McPherson, Chicago mom, national TV personality and relationship expert, knows way more than a thing or two about love and relationships. We tapped into the certified marriage and family counselor’s mind to get some tips for navigating modern relationships with kids.
The interest of children seems to be at the heart of the decisions of modern family dynamics. Can you expand on that?
Love McPherson: The transition from couple-focused families to child-centered families can be attributed to several societal changes. One significant factor is the evolving role of women in the workforce. As more women entered the workforce, the dynamics of family life shifted. Dual-income households became more common, and as a result, parents often had less time to devote to each other. This shift also led to an increased focus on children, as parents sought to compensate for their absence by investing more time, energy and money into their kids.
However, it’s essential to recognize that while the intentions behind child-centered parenting are often well-meaning, the consequences can be complex. Studies indicate that children raised in homes where parents prioritize their own relationship and maintain love and connection tend to be happier and more emotionally secure. A strong parent relationship can serve as the foundation for a healthy family environment because we learn our relationship skills from how our caregivers related to each other. When parents model a loving, supportive team, they provide their children with the tools for healthy relationships and emotional well-being.
Furthermore, child-centered parenting can potentially create undue pressure on the child to reciprocate and fulfill the emotional needs of their parents. This can lead to children feeling overwhelmed or responsible for their parents’ happiness, which isn’t a fair or sustainable expectation.
How do families break the stigma of what society deems “modern families?”
LM: Stigmas modern families may face can include everything from their non-traditional family structures, morality, religious beliefs, to their parenting styles and the level of freedom afforded their children. I would suggest families lead by education and example.
Research has shown that the structure of a family matters less than the quality of the relationships within it. It’s important to note that these stigmas are not reflective of the reality of modern families but rather people’s perceptions of other people’s choices. Modern families can be loving, supportive and nurturing environments for children, just like traditional families.
Overcoming these stigmas involves challenging stereotypes, advocating for recognition and acceptance and promoting diversity in family structures. But I feel that the greater emphasis on mindset change should begin at home. When the children courageously embrace their loving families, they will be less likely to be crushed under the criticisms, myths and lies.
What are the biggest challenges that blended families face. Do you have any advice on how to overcome this?
LM: Some families are more marbled than blended. There are clear lines of separation that show up in marbles. There is a sense of oneness when something is blended. Here are some ways that families fail to come together to create a healthy blend.
- Spousification: Spousification is when parents turn to their children for emotional support. It can be detrimental in blended families because it can create a sense of responsibility and loyalty conflicts for the child. To overcome this challenge, it’s crucial for parents to maintain appropriate boundaries with their children. They should seek emotional support from adults, friends or professionals rather than burdening their children with adult concerns and emotions. Encourage open communication within the family so that children feel safe expressing their feelings without fear of taking sides.
- Discipline of the child: The question of discipline in blended families can be a source of tension. To address this challenge, it’s essential for parents to have open and honest discussions concerning their expectations and approaches to discipline before getting married. Establish a unified approach to discipline that both biological and stepparents can agree on. This may involve setting clear boundaries, defining roles and discussing consequences for misbehavior. Consistency in discipline is key to avoiding confusion and resentment among children. Also remember: Rules without relationship equals rebellion.
- Using kids as a weapon: Sometimes, parents in blended families may inadvertently use their children as a means of control or manipulation in conflicts with their ex-partners. … It’s imperative that parents prioritize the well-being of their children over their egos, anger, betrayal or retaliation.
- Kids envy and feeling misplaced: Children in blended families may struggle with feelings of envy, insecurity or feeling replaced with a new set of kids. They might compare themselves to stepsiblings or struggle with adjusting to a new family dynamic. To address this challenge, parents and stepparents should foster a sense of belonging and inclusion within the family. Spend quality time together as a family, engage in activities that promote bonding, and encourage open dialogue about feelings and concerns. Validate the children’s emotions and reassure them of their importance within the family.
What advice do you have for moms and dads who have separated but have decided to still function as a family unit?
- Communication! Communication! Communication! Safe, open and effective communication is imperative to successful co-parenting. Communicate to each other, to the child and all parties involved in the child’s well-being. Make sure you are both on the same page. I would strongly recommend that coparents make a practice of reiterating what they feel they heard the other parent say or follow up with the conversation with a text or email.
- Choose the high road: When someone goes low, it may be your knee-jerk reaction to determine how low you can go. Resist the urge and go high instead.
- Do it for the kids: The central focus of co-parenting should always be the well-being and emotional health of the children. Ensure that your decisions, actions and interactions are in their best interests.
- Create positive memories, not traumas: Our brains store our strong emotions, good and bad. Be intentional about creating positive family memories that will follow your children for a lifetime. Family trips, holidays or special occasions spent together can reinforce the sense of family and belonging for the children.
- Don’t mislead the kids: Many children have secret wishes and prayers that their parents will get back together. Don’t confuse your children with violating boundaries of intimacy or misleading language. Be direct concerning the nature of your relationship with them and each other.
Follow Chicago Parent on Instagram.
