Parental expectations come with a double-edged sword. On the one hand, we want to set reasonable expectations, especially for our kids, because we want them to know we believe in them. We want to be our kid’s biggest cheerleader!
Where it can go awry is when our expectations become fixated on outcomes. When too invested in one outcome over the other, we create blind spots. Two things happen when our expectations become attachments:
We resist accepting the present moment as it is.
We struggle to remain flexible as parents.
Acceptance
Let’s say we have a child who recently started lying. This is challenging to accept as a parent, and we want it to stop immediately. We jump into solution mode without taking a moment to accept or name the problem: My child is lying.
We defend, explain and justify all the reasons why and immediately consider different ways to stop the behavior. We feel distress because we want the problem to disappear, but at no given point do we accept it and simply name it.
That should be the starting point for every parent.
When we accept and name the challenge without judgment, we can see a clear solution more easily. We’re not rushing to stop it because of our own discomfort around the perception that we have a child who lies.
Though this isn’t intentional, expectations are the antithesis of creating meaningful connections with our kids.
One of the hardest parts of parenting is acceptance — acceptance when our children make unfavorable choices or don’t behave as we’d hoped.
We adopt a binary mindset around challenges. Behaviors are either good or bad, nothing in between. We feel proud of their “good” choices or ashamed of their “bad” ones.
Expectations
I’m not suggesting we can’t have expectations. But ensure they’re healthy expectations that leave space for change and the unexpected. By letting go of our attachment to a desired outcome, we can stay present and show up to meet our child’s needs. We see a problem for what it is rather than feel disappointed that it didn’t turn out the way we wanted.
Consider questioning your expectations. Are you hoping your child adopts a specific behavior so peers accept him? Do you expect he will do well academically to ensure he gets into an Ivy League college because that’s the culture at your child’s school? Do you always expect your children to be grateful and say thank you, and the minute they don’t, you struggle to respond calmly because it goes against your expectations?
When we question our expectations, we see our insecurities come to light.
Jedidiah Jenkins, author of the book, “Mother, Nature”, was recently on the podcast “Pulling the Thread” with Elise Loehnen. He described his expectations and said, “I had to interrogate my expectations.”
Consider making 2024 the year where you, too, interrogate your expectations and watch your parenting journey change.
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