I Would Never: Lessons Parents Can Take to Heart

A certified parenting coach shares her tips for parents based on the “I Would Never” Tik Tok trend.

I would never tell kids their feelings are wrong

It can be so uncomfortable when our kids feel sad, angry or disappointed, but telling them that they shouldn’t feel that way doesn’t help, and it can set them up to deny or feel guilt when uncomfortable feelings arise. The best way to support kids during challenging moments is to let them know they are heard and seen, and that their ability to share is appreciated. If your child is demonstrating significant or worrisome behavior, ask for professional help. When they are sharing the typical ups and downs of a day, help them name their feelings (“It looks like you feel sad…”), listen closely as they share their story (eye contact and head nods) and practice empathy and understanding (“That sounds hard, I’m so glad you told me…”).

I would never assume that things are supposed to stay the same

Our kids grow up quickly, and as soon as we think we understand them or know them better, they change. This is exactly what’s supposed to happen. Putting pressure on them to like the things they used to like, or enjoy the things they used to do, not only disregards their experience, it makes them feel unseen and misunderstood. When it comes to activities, music, fashion or whatever else our kids are into, it’s our job to follow their lead.

I would never force kids to hug or kiss people

Telling our child to hug an aunt or close family friend might feel like we are teaching kindness, but it’s actually a mixed message about consent. We want our kids to be kind and considerate, especially to people we love, but when our child doesn’t feel comfortable offering intimacy, do we listen and honor their instincts, or do we worry more about what the adult expects? Helping our kids set personal boundaries, and supporting them as they do, helps lay the foundation for self-trust and future healthy relationships. Instead of a hug or kiss when a family member leaves, try a fist bump, high five or just words to say, “It was so good to see you!”

I would never expect kids to live my dreams

Every parent has a dream for their child, and without self-awareness, we can start directing them toward our desires. We sign them up for dance because we danced, we get them in soccer because we always wished we played soccer or we start piano lessons early because we envision them playing for the entire family during the holidays. It’s fine to introduce our children to the things we love, but it’s important to then let them choose what they enjoy. They have their own dreams, and while some may overlap with ours, they are their own people, and should be able to chart their own path. We can inspire them by living our own dreams and by doing the things we love. We can role model what it looks like to take a risk, develop a hobby and live a life that is meaningful to us.

I would never forget to be compassionate toward myself and other parents

I’ve been a parent for 19 years and a therapist for 25 years. What I know for sure is that parenting advice is ever-changing and paradoxical. There is no “right way” to do anything, and all kids are different and unpredictable. This means we must be gentle with ourselves as we navigate our parenting experience. We can forgive ourselves for missteps and stay curious about what we can learn. Parenting is about building a relationship with our children over time, and if we see it as a growing and evolving experience, we will be less likely to shame ourselves or believe we are doing it “wrong.”

Cathy Cassani Adams, LCSW, is a Chicago mom of three who co-hosts the Zen Parenting Radio podcast and is author of the multiple award-winning Zen Parenting: Caring for Ourselves and Our Children in an Unpredictable World and Living What You Want Your Kids to Learn: The Power of Self-Aware Parenting. She is a clinical social worker, certified parent coach, former elementary school educator and yoga teacher. She teaches in the Sociology/Criminology Department at Dominican University.

Follow Chicago Parent on Instagram.