Christopher Garlington lives in Chicago in a standard two kids, wife, dog, corner-lot, two car, small-business-owner American dream package. He drives a 2003 Camry, sports a considerable notebook fetish, and smokes Arturo Fuente Partaga Maduros as often as possible. His stories have appeared in Chicago Parent; The Kentuckian, The Orlando Sentinel, The Daily Herald, Exito!, Florida, Orlando, Orlando Weekly, Catholic Digest, Retort, Another Realm, The Dead Mule School of Southern Literature, South Lit, and other magazines. He is the infamous author of the award winning parenting blog, Death By Children.
Why can't my family just watch TV?
April 11, 2011
My family are pause-aholics. There is no cure. They turn a 30-second commercial into a 10-hour miniseries. I swear to God if they hit pause again, I’m going to throw the remote into the blender.
Want an obedient kid? Get some leverage
March 14, 2011
Our son's summer trip to Japan has proven to be a 40-foot-tall, diamond-encrusted, solid-gold carrot. Who knew that was all it took to get him to take out the trash?
Of cats and men: Chicago family tries to name cat
January 24, 2011 - Comments (3)
We've spent the fiscal equivalent of the gross national product of Narnia at Petco, catproofed the house and introduced it to the dogs. Now comes the hard part: naming it.
Chicago dad falls, once again, for "Guess what? Chicken butt!"
December 9, 2010
If he says it one more time, I will kill him. This is not hyperbole. I have cause, just cause, to take him out—my son, the new teenager, the purveyor of the non sequitur, the little !@#$#% who thinks this is the pinnacle of high comedy.
Why can't I get my kid to smile for a picture?
November 23, 2010 - Comments (3)
Framed in the window with the sun behind him like a halo, his "Legalize It" T-shirt, a tiny smear of grape jelly trailing off toward his ear and his unruly Aboriginal dome, my son says: "Oh yeah, it's Picture Day."
Teaching my ADD daughter to drive ... what could possibly go wrong?
October 25, 2010 - Comments (1)
I have stared into the gaping, drooly maw of death. I have teetered on the brink of imminent demise. Now every day is a gift. I take time to smell the cappuccino. I live in the moment, not worrying about tomorrow because yesterday, I tried to teach my ADD daughter how to drive.
Chicago dad makes a 21st-century chore chart
September 20, 2010 - Comments (5)
Maybe my kids won’t know how to mow grass, prune a hedge or change a tire, but they’re learning real-world skills—and I can put their allowance on PayPal.
7 steps to a spectacular sand creation
June 22, 2010
There’s more to building a sand castle than simply fantasizing about antiques. You’re not just building a sand castle; you’re creating a legacy. Do it right.