My son misses school a lot. Or, he did, until I discovered
the awesome power of sick notes.
Now he won't stay home even if he's bleeding and on fire.
He'd rather expire in the nurse's office than have to turn in one
"To whom it may concern-Please excuse Connor for his
absence Nov. 1, as he was working on his port de
bras. Allow him extra time between classes as he will
be practicing his battement fondu. Also,
do you sell tutus in school colors? Go Tigers!
"To whom it may concern-Please excuse Connor's absence
Oct. 9; Connor was severely ill after eating a significant volume
of library paste."
"To whom it may concern-Connor was absent Sept. 14 after
receiving multiple needle gun wounds in Halo 3. He re-spawned later
in the day, alas, too late to make it to school on time.
"To whom yadda yadda yadda-Connor was late today because
he was trapped in the shower by a spider. I urge caution when
approaching him, he's kind of jumpy."
"People, listen: Connor was late Tuesday because we
couldn't find a McDonald's that had cinnamon buns. We went to four
different drive-thrus. Also, we ran out of gas."
"To whom-spiders again."
"Please excuse Connor for his absence Monday as he was
recovering. Early Monday morning, he went into his closet and was
attacked by dirty jeans and underwear. He held them off as long as
he could with a music stand, but they finally outnumbered him and
he went down."
"Connor could not attend school Thursday because of his
deep and abiding love for the music of Justin Bieber."
"Connor was late Monday after getting stuck in the
`Downward Facing Dog' pose during his morning disco yoga routine. I
tried to use a leash to bring him, but he bit my hand. His vet says
to keep him away from other kids for a week."
"Connor was not absent last week. He had his name legally
changed to Help me Rhonda, Help Help Me Rhonda but the forms never
made it to your school. Please change his name in your records and
refer to him by this name at all times."
Christopher lives in Chicago with his wife and kids and can also be found at deathbychildren.com.
See more of Christopher's stories here.
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