Attendance note politics

"People, listen: Connor was late Tuesday because we couldn't find a McDonald's that had cinnamon buns. We went to four different drive-thrus. Also, we ran out of gas."
Illustration by Tom Deja
 
 

By Christopher Garlington

Contributor

My son misses school a lot. Or, he did, until I discovered the awesome power of sick notes.

Now he won't stay home even if he's bleeding and on fire. He'd rather expire in the nurse's office than have to turn in one of these:

"To whom it may concern-Please excuse Connor for his absence Nov. 1, as he was working on his port de bras. Allow him extra time between classes as he will be practicing his battement fondu. Also, do you sell tutus in school colors? Go Tigers! Entrechat!"

"To whom it may concern-Please excuse Connor's absence Oct. 9; Connor was severely ill after eating a significant volume of library paste."

"To whom it may concern-Connor was absent Sept. 14 after receiving multiple needle gun wounds in Halo 3. He re-spawned later in the day, alas, too late to make it to school on time. "

"To whom yadda yadda yadda-Connor was late today because he was trapped in the shower by a spider. I urge caution when approaching him, he's kind of jumpy."

"People, listen: Connor was late Tuesday because we couldn't find a McDonald's that had cinnamon buns. We went to four different drive-thrus. Also, we ran out of gas."

"To whom-spiders again."

"Please excuse Connor for his absence Monday as he was recovering. Early Monday morning, he went into his closet and was attacked by dirty jeans and underwear. He held them off as long as he could with a music stand, but they finally outnumbered him and he went down."

"Connor could not attend school Thursday because of his deep and abiding love for the music of Justin Bieber."

"Connor was late Monday after getting stuck in the `Downward Facing Dog' pose during his morning disco yoga routine. I tried to use a leash to bring him, but he bit my hand. His vet says to keep him away from other kids for a week."

"Connor was not absent last week. He had his name legally changed to Help me Rhonda, Help Help Me Rhonda but the forms never made it to your school. Please change his name in your records and refer to him by this name at all times."

 
 
 





 
 
 
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