Being a stay-at-home dad has its advantages. I watch TV
while I work. I listen to the stereo real loud. There is beer. The
downside is the long suffered horror all moms know: There are no
You go through everyone's drawers. You wash their clothes.
You sweep under their bed.
You fold your daughter's thong.
Look, I'm a ninja-level pop. I will go into Walgreens and
inquire as to the location of the heavy flow pads. Long ago I
suffered through the horror of my daughter's emergent
But a thong in the laundry is a new horror.
My first impression was "oooh la la, Mommy for the win!"
Mere seconds later I realized my voluptuous wife couldn't get this
miniscule strap around her foot, much less up to her-OH MY GOD! My
second impression was OH MY GOD!
Unlike a bra, which, no matter how much black lace or pink
ribbons it has, still is structurally important, a thong has no
practical use except to say to the world, "I am legally not naked,"
which only happens in situations where someone else is-OH MY
We dads can work our minds around most daughter stuff. We
plan ahead for puberty (beer), driving lessons (beer), and
But we forget; our little princesses are exploding out of
puberty into unparalleled womanhood. Never in the history of man
have women been so unfettered and free. They are the fortunate
great-grandchildren of women's rights. They grew up in a world of
equality, highly paid women CEOs, Oprah and porn for
Thank God for my golf skills. Using a seven iron, I
carried my daughter's thong upstairs, like a dead rat on a
I was halfway across the living room when she walked
At this juncture, the highly educated father would employ
a sports maneuver that snatched the panties out of sight before
either of us needed to acknowledge them.
"You dropped your floss."
"Father, why are you hoisting my unmentionables into the
air like a flag?"
Christopher lives in Chicago with his wife and kids and can also be found at deathbychildren.com.
See more of Christopher's stories here.
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