We have three perfectly good bathrooms in our house. And that's
not enough. We don't use the one upstairs because it's at least 17
steps too high. There's one in the basement, but it's inhabited by
spiders and marmosets. We don't use it unless we need an emergency
science project. So a family of four is left with the guest loo,
which we all need at the same time. Every time.
We're in constant battle for squatting rights and no matter how
long I wait, as soon as I shut the door, someone starts pounding
and there I am, coffee cup and magazine in hand, glaring at the
"Dad, I need to get in there."
"I'm already in here."
"Trust me, son, this is serious."
"Dad, I reeeeally need the bathroom."
"There are two other bathrooms in this house," I say,
"Dad please!" he says, tapdancingly.
Because I'm awesome, I relinquish the lavatory, lug my load
upstairs and lock the door.
"Hon, I need to get in there."
"I'M ALREADY IN HERE!"
"THERE ARE TWO OTHER BATHROOMS IN TH-"
"You know that picture you won't let me put on Facebook?"
"I'll be right out."
I carry my coffee down two flights into the spider conservatory,
wedge the door shut with cardboard, and crank up the hot water for
a shower. I'm lost in a welcome cloud of steam when heavy breathing
stops me mid-scrub. I take a peek around the moldy curtain to see
my dogs staring at me with the look on their faces that means
they're about to water the plants-on my laundry.
Growling, I wrap a stiff towel around my waist, shuffle over to
wrench open the basement door, and scream like a girl as the dogs
plow through me to get to the yard so they can pee on my towel.
Which is not on me.
But hey, it's the basement, right? If I just duck-walk under the
windows to the bathroom, there's another towel in there...
With my daughter, who snuck in (I think she's in league with the
hounds) and stole my shower.
"Sarah, I need to get in there."
"I reallllllly need to get in there."
"Whatever. Can you get me a towel from upstairs? I used this one
as a rug."
Christopher lives in Chicago with his wife and kids and can also be found at deathbychildren.com.
See more of Christopher's stories here.
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