You to your child: How was your day, honey?
Your child: OK.
You: What did you do?
Child: (rolls eyes) Nothing.
You: Nothing?
Child: Not really.
You: Did you have a good day?
Child: Yes.
You: Why?
Child: (shrugs) Just because.
Sound familiar? Getting your child to communicate-in a meaningful
way-can be challenging. But there are tricks of the trade you can
use to improve communication and your relationship.
Try some of these great tried-and-true two-way communication ideas
from moms and dads who have been there.
But of course, be careful what you wish for…
Bone up on your
listening skills
Probably the most important advice the expert parents provided is
something that's not always easy to do when life is rushing by:
listen. No, really listen.
"Really be interested in what they're saying," says Bill Scully,
dad of Katie, 21, and Sam, 16. "Don't just feign interest, really
be interested. Make sure they know they can talk to you about
anything. Don't shy away from any subject."
Annie Scully adds: "It's important to let your kids know you're
always there if they have something to talk about. I don't think
you can tell them this too much."
Most important, don't be too judgmental, they both say. It you are,
the less likely the kids will come to you with a problem or
question.
Monica Johnson, mom of Alex, 23, and Anna, 21, agrees.
"I have always tried to remember the names of the people my kids
talk about, to remember specific things that they mention, and then
I follow up later by asking them something specific about what
they'd told me, like, 'How did it go with Megan asking Jake to
Turnabout?' Then, they knew their story mattered to me, and they
were happy to give me the latest update on the situation."
Betsy Dudak, mom of Leah, 18, and Matthew, 15, says it's OK to show
you really care. "Without making the child feel insecure or
worried, it is OK to show tears or express anger, disappointment,
sadness," she says.
Become a sleuth
But sometimes parents need to get a little creative to encourage
communication.
"When my children were in elementary school, I would ask, 'How was
your day, and answer with the letter 'B,' or 'P,' making them
giggle when they tried to think of a word. This always led to
additional conversation," says Lisa Howard, mom of Jeremy, 22, and
Travis, 18.
Kathy Boyce, mom of Kyle, 18, and Mitchell, 15, checks out the
school website and school announcements-and her kids' friends-for
conversation starters. "Then I can ask specific questions about
their day and their classes," she says. "When it comes to finding
out about my boys' love interests, I ask my sons' friends, who will
quickly give up bits of information just to see (my son's) reaction
and embarrassment. It is usually enough to start a
conversation."
Johnson says written communication can be helpful-"especially when
the situation is sensitive, or when tempers are heated and we can't
listen without interrupting each other."
Writing notes back and forth makes both sides take time to listen
before answering. "It might start out a little roughly, or with
hesitation, but if given time, it clears the air enough to get the
door to open a crack and the conversation can usually be finished
face to face."
Have fun together
Is it possible to tee up good times to talk with your child? The
parent experts say yes, and these activities don't have to be
over-the-top.
"My kids say it's huge that we have dinner together almost every
night. It is our time to talk about our day, which leads to deeper
things ... or sillier," Dudak says.
"I found going to a 'neutral' setting made my kids seem to open up
more," Howard says. "So I would suggest going out every once in a
while after school, to a place of their choice, for an appetizer.
You would be surprised how a little 'away' time works for both of
you!"
Dudak says: "We spend a lot of times with our kids doing things we
all like: biking, sailing, movies, dinners, listening to music,
talking current events. You have to be willing to do things with
them."
"I think the biggest and most important thing is we laugh
together-a lot. We have inside jokes and look at things the same
way. It's a great thing to have unconditional laughter."
Karen Ross is the mother of two boys, James, 22, and Dan, 20. She
spent most of their childhoods trying to get them to talk and is
happy to report they can actually hold meaningful conversations
now.
You to your child: How was your day,
honey?
Your child: OK.
You: What did you do?
Child: (rolls eyes) Nothing.
You: Nothing?
Child: Not really.
You: Did you have a good day?
Child: Yes.
You: Why?
Child: (shrugs) Just because.
Sound familiar? Getting your child to
communicate-in a meaningful way-can be challenging. But there are
tricks of the trade you can use to improve communication and your
relationship.
Try some of these great tried-and-true two-way
communication ideas from moms and dads who have been there.
But of course, be careful what you wish
for…
Bone up on your listening
skills
Probably the most important advice the expert
parents provided is something that's not always easy to do when
life is rushing by: listen. No, really listen.
"Really be interested in what they're saying,"
says Bill Scully, dad of Katie, 21, and Sam, 16. "Don't just feign
interest, really be interested. Make sure they know they can talk
to you about anything. Don't shy away from any subject."
Annie Scully adds: "It's important to let your
kids know you're always there if they have something to talk about.
I don't think you can tell them this too much."
Most important, don't be too judgmental, they
both say. It you are, the less likely the kids will come to you
with a problem or question.
Monica Johnson, mom of Alex, 23, and Anna, 21,
agrees.
"I have always tried to remember the names of
the people my kids talk about, to remember specific things that
they mention, and then I follow up later by asking them something
specific about what they'd told me, like, 'How did it go with Megan
asking Jake to Turnabout?' Then, they knew their story mattered to
me, and they were happy to give me the latest update on the
situation."
Betsy Dudak, mom of Leah, 18, and Matthew, 15,
says it's OK to show you really care. "Without making the child
feel insecure or worried, it is OK to show tears or express anger,
disappointment, sadness," she says.
Become a sleuth
But sometimes parents need to get a little
creative to encourage communication.
"When my children were in elementary school, I
would ask, 'How was your day, and answer with the letter 'B,' or
'P,' making them giggle when they tried to think of a word. This
always led to additional conversation," says Lisa Howard, mom of
Jeremy, 22, and Travis, 18.
Kathy Boyce, mom of Kyle, 18, and Mitchell,
15, checks out the school website and school announcements-and her
kids' friends-for conversation starters. "Then I can ask specific
questions about their day and their classes," she says. "When it
comes to finding out about my boys' love interests, I ask my sons'
friends, who will quickly give up bits of information just to see
(my son's) reaction and embarrassment. It is usually enough to
start a conversation."
Johnson says written communication can be
helpful-"especially when the situation is sensitive, or when
tempers are heated and we can't listen without interrupting each
other."
Writing notes back and forth makes both sides
take time to listen before answering. "It might start out a little
roughly, or with hesitation, but if given time, it clears the air
enough to get the door to open a crack and the conversation can
usually be finished face to face."
Have fun together
Is it possible to tee up good times to talk
with your child? The parent experts say yes, and these activities
don't have to be over-the-top.
"My kids say it's huge that we have dinner
together almost every night. It is our time to talk about our day,
which leads to deeper things ... or sillier," Dudak says.
"I found going to a 'neutral' setting made my
kids seem to open up more," Howard says. "So I would suggest going
out every once in a while after school, to a place of their choice,
for an appetizer. You would be surprised how a little 'away' time
works for both of you!"
Dudak says: "We spend a lot of times with our
kids doing things we all like: biking, sailing, movies, dinners,
listening to music, talking current events. You have to be willing
to do things with them."
This article appeared in the
September 2011
edition of Chicago Parent.
Karen Ross is the mother of two boys.
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