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What does the Mommy Wars, the Summer of the Shark, and the Summer of Stranger Abductions have in common? All creations of the mainstream media.

The facts are that most women who have children flow in and out of the workforce and even those who are classified as stay-at-home run businesses (Avon, Tupperware) or are freelance writers. The Mommy Wars is a strawwoman built to cause chaos and sell newspapers and books. Do you remember a few years ago when it seemed like everyone who went into the ocean was bit by a shark? Stats revealed that there was no increase in shark attacks that summer, just an increase in media attention. Then we had the summer where it seemed that all the cute white girls were being stolen from our arms. Most memorable was the case of Elizabeth Smart from Utah where she was found months afterwards living with the man who abducted her. Yet again, stats show that most children who are kidnapped are taken by a relative, most likely a non-custodial parent. It was also the summer where a young black girl in Philadelphia was kidnapped and ESCAPED from her abductor’s. Did you not hear that one? I wouldn’t have either if it wasn’t for the blogosphere.

Due to my vocal activism on many topics, I am now use to friends turning to me and asking, "What the heck is up with [insert recent news]?" A few weeks ago one friend did just that. "What is up with men lately?" I retorted, "Nothing more than usual, from what I can see. Just a surge in media attention."

The months of April and May brought to Chicago the month of boyfriends who kill children. Not just any child, but the children of the women they were dating. First we had Quince Jackson who came home to find  her two sons murdered, allegedly by a man she had just begun dating. He allegedly got into an argument with the sons and eventually stabbed and killed them. He also allegedly raped and attempted to murder a female relative. Jackson had just returned home from her second-shift job as a security guard. It was quickly revealed that the boyfriend had a record of harming children. This was used as ammunition against the mom in the media. 

Just weeks later a story broke about Cameron Smith, son of two US reservists serving in Iraq. This adorable boy was allegedly beaten to death by his mother’s fiancé. She had only been gone for a few weeks! Again the mom took the brunt of the blame for not only choosing the wrong man, but allegedly lying to the boy’s family members about him staying with a member of her family. That must mean she knew she shouldn’t have left him with the fiancé for some reason (safety, not wanting to fight with former in-laws). Within days of the Jackson and Smith tragedies Stella Foster and Mary Mitchell (whom I usually adore), respectively,  wrote columns (ok, Stella’s was a reprint) that reprimanded single moms who date bad men. Foster states, "On March 28, 1995, the Sun-Times ran a "Personal View" piece that I wrote regarding mothers, kids and abusive men. Last week's horrific news made me revisit that article. Please know that this is by no means an accusatory message . . . but, hopefully, an enlightening one for single moms to think about." Mitchell asked, "Why do seemingly smart women make such poor choices? No matter how many times we report the homicides and sexual assaults of children at the hands of the mother's boyfriend, another woman will make the very same mistake. Too many women who struggle to put together child care will take the risk of making their boyfriend a caregiver." I believe that Mitchell answers her own question right there. Single moms are in a very tough position and very often must choose between leaving their child in a risky situation so she can go to work or risk that job and perhaps her family's home. What would you do? Can you even imagine having to make that decision? I can't. 

I was waiting for the panic to spread, but thankfully for all your single men out there more horrible stories broke. Fathers who kill.

A closer look at the stats reveals that the panic is not unwarranted [please also read Susy Schultz's comment to Terry's post about parents who kill for some awesome info sadly lost]. The 2005 IL DCFS annual report, 75 children’s deaths were investigated for signs of abuse as the leading cause. Out of all incidents investigated, only 1,283 (7%) were attributed to paramours (that’s how DCFS labels boyfriends & girlfriends). According to a 2005 study, "children residing in households with unrelated adults were nearly 50 times as likely to die of inflicted injuries than children residing with 2 biological parents." One the flip side, "children in households with a single parent and no other adults in residence had no increased risk of inflicted-injury death." Violence against an intimate partner is astonishing in how common it appears to be. The recent flood of news pieces is not reflective, to my knowledge, of an increase in violence. Again, merely an increase in media attention to a chronic problem of our society. CDC reports the following stats:

• From 1976 to 2002, about 11% of homicide victims were killed by an intimate partner (Fox and Zawitz 2004).
• In 2002, 76% of IPV homicide victims were female; 24% were male (Fox and Zawitz 2004).
• The number of intimate partner homicides decreased 14% overall for men and women in the span of about 20 years, with a 67% decrease for men (from 1,357 to 388) vs. 25% for women (from 1,600 to 1,202; Fox and Zawitz 2004). >
• One study found that 44% of women murdered by their intimate partner had visited an emergency department within 2 years of the homicide. Of these women, 93% had at least one injury visit (Crandall et al. 2004).
• Previous literature suggests that women who have separated from their abusive partners often remain at risk of violence (Campbell et al. 2003; Fleury, Sullivan and Bybee 2000).

And the kicker stats: Between 4% and 8% of pregnant women are abused at least once during the pregnancy (Gazmararian et al. 2000). In 2005 "[t]he U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has reported that homicide is a leading cause of traumatic death among new and expectant mothers, with higher risks for women who are younger than 20 or black.(WaPo, 2005)" Click on the link, there is a interactive feature where you can click on a woman's face and read how her partner killed while she was pregnant. It's beyond words.

So what is up with men lately? If you're a single mom, are you doomed to be without romance? As a married woman myself, I wanted to see how all of this is affecting my fellow mamas who just happen to be single. I asked 3 women from Mamasource.com and my younger sister. What I found is fear and many rules. All the moms I talked with are either not dating for safety reasons or only meet dates at their date location. One mom said that her dates don’t like that, but she doesn’t care. She needs to take care of her kids first not the ego of some guy she’s having dinner with. What about us married moms? What is the safest thing for us?

In the end, I believe we need to rely on our instincts and faith. Did any of the mothers have a gut feeling that they shouldn't leave their children in the care of a boyfriend? Did any of the mothers killed ever feel threatened before? If so, did they think that they were safer to stay with the man instead of leaving?

Yes, this is all scary. The stats are mind-blowing and depressing. But it is no less scary today than it was six months ago. What changed is that we are more aware of it. Unfortunately it is not just a rash of events as Terry blogged. I wish it were and that it was a phase society would grow out of. Saturday over 700 people went out looking for Lisa Stebic to no avail. I hope for the kids' sake the dad didn't have anything to do with it, but I also know the statistics. We have a societal case of amnesia. Many of these same stats came out during the Lacy Peterson case and yet we are still shocked when we hear it again. Yes, the men who have killed in recent weeks including the latest, WWE wrestler Chris Benoit, are monsters, but they are not indicative of a new problem. The crisis is real, the hysteria is manufactured. We need to teach our children, girls and boys, how to respect each other, love each other, and live with each other peacefully. Women and children are not things to get rid of when one gets bored. A family is not something to be trapped in. And men are not killing machines despite what video games and the media may say. What we have become is a society of human beings who enjoy violence far too much and then are shocked when it comes into our lives.