Parenting Isn't For Sissies

Bullying, Part 2: Cyberbullying 101

2008-10-01T02:07:00Z

My kids think I’m a ninny. If you ask Noah and Holly, I’ve missed the boat and the last big wave, and definitely am not as cool as so-and-so’s Mom. After all, she lets her children have internet access in their bedrooms and I don’t. Well, phooey, I’ll just have to deal with being un-cool. I may be not be as tech-savvy as some parents, but one thing I do know for sure is that bad things can happen to good kids – even on-line.

Things used to be simpler. It used to be that wiping away the tears when something went bump in the night, or even intervening when a playground bully needed a talkin’ to about covered it. These days, though, not only do we have to keep internet pedophiles at bay, for Pete’s sake, but we must warn our kids about those faceless bullies that many kids encounter on-line or via text-messages: cyberbullies.

It’s enough to make this Mom just wanna pull up the covers and pull the plug on all of this ‘progress.’

My own kids haven’t experienced cyberbullying yet, but if statistics bear out it’s only a matter of time before they do. Did you know that 42% of kids in grades 4-8 report being bullied on-line and 58% never tell (source: I-Safe.org)? October marks the second anniversary of thirteen-year-old Megan Meier’s tragic suicide following a period of cyberbullying, perpetrated by an adult who posed as a teenaged boy on-line. As in Meier’s case, cyberbullies usually know their targets, but because they can hide behind anonymous cyber-ID’s on-line (which creates a sense of the “faceless bully”), their bullying behavior can be experienced as harsher than a playground taunt. Because there is greater ‘distance’ between these bullies and their targets their inhibitions are diminished. Cyberbullying can also be more damaging because it can be so far-reaching: rumors and personal information can quickly be broadcast to many others with one swift click.

Another feature of this type of harassment is that the victim’s home feels less like a safe haven. Cyberbullies can reach their targets there, and virtually anywhere, with text-messages to cell phones.

Is your child already the target of a cyberbully? Loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, school avoidance or declining grades, diminished interest in friends or activities, or a dramatic increase or decrease in time spent on-line or in cell phone bills are all potential warning signs, which can also be signs of depression, a potential side-effect of bullying. Counseling should be sought if these symptoms persist. Tragedies like Meier’s can be averted.

So what’s a parent to do?

If you do nothing else, by golly, at least keep internet access in a public place (never in your child’s bedroom) and supervise internet use. WiFi wireless cards for laptops can make this a challenge, so bear this in mind when considering them. Discuss internet safety with your kids. Expect a lot of eye-rolling and sarcastic comments. “You’re a worrywart, Mom,” and “You think I’m an idiot, Dad. Thanks a lot,” are two of Noah’s standbys. Teach children that internet use is a privilege, and remember: you’re not likely to hand over the keys to the car without a few driving lessons, and the same is true for cruising the internet. There are lots of beautiful and exciting destinations on-line, but it’s easy to get lost and hazards are just one click away. Teach your children to never reveal passwords or identifying information (teach them what identifying information is) and tell them to not share personal information or to write anything in e-mails or text messages they wouldn’t want their whole class to read. Teach them that their messages can be edited and forwarded to others, and that their passwords can be used to send nasty or otherwise unflattering e-mails from their accounts. Kids often don’t tell anyone about cyberbullying because they fear their parents will revoke their internet privileges, so make sure your children understand that bullying of any kind isn’t their fault.

Don’t forget to share information and tips with other parents, especially those in whose homes your kids spend time. Encourage your children to develop positive friendships and to befriend kids who are bullied, as bullies tend not to pick on kids with strong social supports. My favorite advice? Ramp up the rapport with your kids. Express curiosity about their interests and make one-on-one time a priority if it’s now freakishly rare. Then, they’ll be more likely to wave the white flag when they hit speed bumps along the information superhighway.

Tips for Parents:

1) Tell kids to save and print evidence of cyberbullying, and to

2) tell you or another responsible adult.

3) Block cyberbullies’ messages and e-mails.

4) Report cyberbullying to your internet service provider.

5) Alert the police about any threats of harm.

For more about bullying in general read my 9/1/08 post, "Bullying, Part 1"

–Jennifer DuBose, M.S., C.A.S., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Batavia. She has been a Clinical Member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) since 1995.

Revisiting 9/11, Seven Years Later

2008-09-12T02:12:00Z

This morning I turned on the television before I even got out of bed and propped myself up on my squishy pillow, ready for my Waltons fix with the kids before school. Before they ran in to snuggle with me under the covers I channel-surfed to make sure the sky wasn’t planning to fall, like I always do. (‘Cause if it’s gonna fall, see, I figure we’ll just hunker-down under my old quilts for two back-to-back episodes of The Waltons followed by two more of Little House on the Prairie…)

Today, though, on Today, I got to relive the morning of 9/11 all over again. I’d all but forgotten that today was the anniversary, and sat transfixed once again by the annual re-run of the very same newscast I watched in horror seven years ago this morning. Holly was an infant and Noah was just three, and back then our family rented a tiny little ranch in a rural southern town where everyone knew our names. Concerns I’d never before considered pierced my “all-is-right-with-the-world” Mommy bubble. I wrote the following column a couple of weeks later, following the first Anthrax scare:

No longer can I fool around with the expression “germ warfare.” Until recently, I used it to refer to that icky thing that happens when little kids with green boogers deliberately spit into my tea. Instead, no longer innocent in my whimsical use of the vernacular, I hear myself saying new things that before “That Day” (9/11) I wouldn’t have said – Like today, when Noah decided to pitch a fit because I wouldn’t let him drink directly out of the quart-sized milk bottle like Daddy sometimes does. How did I respond? I told him that if he was going to have a temper-tantrum he would have to get out of my “airspace.”

I think too about my rather carefree way of being in the world and wonder if I should make some changes. Should I lock my doors? Should I handle my mail with gloves and a facemask? Should I even bother to open the mailbox anymore? Like other parents, I consider the scary possibilities of war and wonder, for what should we prepare? Should I keep a few essentials and changes of my family’s clothing in the car in case we need to evacuate? Do I need to have my little ones fitted for facemasks to protect them from the evils of bioterrorism? It quickly occurs to me that those masks are probably useless against invisible attacks, lest we wear them ‘round the clock, so I decide instead to strive for a healthy balance between prudence and frivolity. On that note I think I'll store a few extra boxes of Holly’s favorite cereal, rice and bananas, just in case they’re needed – but perhaps I’ll start feeding it to her from those china teacups I’ve been saving for special occasions.

We’re learning that no time is more special than the present.

It seems I’m not alone in my efforts to make sense of recent events. I’ve watched as my little boy works it out in his own mind, too. In spite of my intentions to limit Noah’s television viewing the day of the terrorist attacks, my own need to stay informed and be a voyeur to the destruction won out. I know, I should know better. I hate to admit that he saw the planes crash into the World Trade Center towers more than a few times, resulting in his concern that his stuffed animals might not survive a similar attack on our home (translation: “Would I?”).

I have also been awed by Noah’s natural impulse to help. The day after the attacks, Noah asked if “Bob the Builder,” a character from one of his favorite television shows, might be of assistance now.

“Can Bob the Builder help build it again?” he inquired. “I can use my screwdriver in my toolbox to screw it in and hold it up,” he said, after watching the towers fall down on television. “I can help with Daddy’s tools. I’ll have to ask Daddy if I can hold his drill,” he considered, melting my heart. This little boy with a big heart who still remembers the rules, surprised me with his healthy, productive responses, while I sat immobile on the couch, stunned by the enormous losses he is thankfully too young to understand.

Later that day one of the networks aired a short documentary featuring some of the tragic images from New York City, filmed in black and white by two Columbia University film students. Set to a classic, melancholy melody, it was a very moving piece. Apparently, even Noah was touched, but in that innocent way of one still too young to fully comprehend its grave meaning. As the mournful music played on, accompanied by scenes of smoky gray pain and sorrow, my tiny son took my hands in his and asked, “Dance with me, Mommy?” Mindful of the fact that so many mommies and daddies who lost their lives just the day before would never again know the joy of dancing with their own children, I gratefully and tearfully accepted his invitation.

“Yes, baby, let’s dance.”

(Originally published in our then-hometown newspaper, The Franklin Press (Franklin, North Carolina).

My Worst Nightmare: My Son Was Hit By a Car

2008-09-05T14:56:00Z

My son was hit by a car as he ran into the street after a tennis ball.

My worst nightmare.

The car, driven by a 91-year-old neighbor, hit his left side. I’d been standing 30 feet away with the cable guy staring up at a phone wire on one side of our new house, and my husband was nearby vacuuming out the car near where Holly played. She saw the whole thing. I must have heard the impact because I whipped my head around just in time to see my firstborn fly over the hood of our neighbor’s Buick. Noah landed several feet away on his back, then hit his head and immediately began screaming.

Oddly, he was still wearing his bicycle helmet, though he’d been off his bike for a few minutes already. He never leaves his helmet on.

I rushed to his side and yelled for the cable guy to call 911. Noah wanted to get up but I insisted he lay flat, just in case he had any spinal cord or internal injuries. A rush of adrenaline can mask them at first. The Batavia EMS folks were fabulous, and even quickly started an IV that never caused a bruise.

When the ER doctor asked if Noah had become airborne during the accident, I said yes.

“Cool,” Noah grinned, otherwise immobile from the neck brace and backboard to which he was still restrained.

Several X-rays and exams later it turns out he’s just fine, though a little banged up. Each day he noticed another twinge of pain somewhere. His neck, his knee. He’ll be sore for a while.

But it could have been worse. Much worse. I still have a hard time thinking about it, three weeks later.

When I asked if he’d looked for cars before running after the ball, Noah sheepishly admitted he hadn’t. Sure, that’d been my mantra since we moved in two months earlier, but some lessons are hard to come by.

As for the driver’s hand in this near-tragedy? Quite possibly she was slow to react, and I’ll follow up to make sure all’s well there, but I think she and Noah share equally in the responsibility. I think we all learned a few lessons that day.

Two days after Noah sailed over the hood of that car he flipped again – this time, off the diving platform at the quarry beach, the sun shining brightly above him.

My lucky, lucky boy.

–Jennifer DuBose, M.S., C.A.S. is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Batavia and has been a Clinical Member of The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy(AAMFT) since 1995. Got a question or concern you’d like her to address? Nothing is off limits. If you’re a parent and it’s on your mind, chances are you’re not alone. Don’t suffer the wonders. Send your questions to parentingisntforsissies@hotmail.com. Your name and other identifying information will be kept strictly confidential.

Bullying, Part I: There's More to a Bully Than Meets the Eye

2008-09-01T10:09:00Z

Noah’s first encounter with a bully happened while he was still in diapers, when another two-year-old shoved him off his sunny perch atop a little-tykes picnic table. A stunned Noah retaliated with a toothy bite to the other boy’s leg and a stunned me fretted that my son was being bullied by a baby-thug – and becoming one himself.

No one likes a bully. But you know what? Chances are pretty good that the bully knows this, and feels the same. Serves him right, you say? If all you’re concerned about is keeping your children away from ‘the big, bad bully,’ I have news for you: you’re part of the problem, not the solution.

There’s more to a bully than meets the eye. I really bristle at the word “bully” as I try to imagine his story. Sometimes kids bully because they have a deep need for belonging but lack the social skills to successfully cultivate friendships. They aren’t born to bully, but develop that tough exterior in response to and in defense against how they are treated. If you’re the parent of a bully’s target, however, it makes sense that appreciating this would be difficult. But consider that there might be a world of pain behind those fists and that name-calling. You know the one about the guy who comes home from a day of working for a tyrant and kicks the dog? The same thing applies here. When a person feels a lack of control in one area of his life he sometimes compensates by over-controlling in other areas. It’s actually an interesting survival mechanism, an unconscious way of creating balance. Think of bullying behavior as a symptom or flag, an unconscious S.O.S. for help.

We typically think of bullies as thugs who intimidate little kids ‘til they surrender their lunch money or trip them up as they walk home from school, but the thugs aren’t always boys – or even children. We’ve all seen shocking videos of high school girls literally attacking other girls. And who can forget the tragic case of thirteen-year-old Megan Meier who committed suicide after a period of cyber-bullying perpetrated by an adult who posed as a teenaged boy on-line? Being the target of chronic bullying can lead to depression, anxiety, school avoidance, declining grades and to other devastating conclusions, according to campus shooters who, in suicide notes, point to bullying as a factor in their undoing. Such was the case of Cho Seung Hui, who perpetrated the Virginia Tech massacre that left 33 dead.

Did you know that roughly 25% of American school children report being bullied and that 20% acknowledge doing the bullying (source: U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services)? Bullying is a serious public health issue. As parents we can help to stem the bullying tide. Understand that extremely permissive parenting can allow bullying tendencies to flower, and recognize that the opposite extreme is of equal concern: stop being a bully yourself. When you’re rude to a waiter or gossip about a neighbor, creating an environment where she is excluded, do you think your kids don’t notice? Bullying often starts at home. If children grow up in hostile family environments, where they see a power imbalance exploited to intimidate or harm another, they can learn to become victims or perpetrators of hostility themselves. If this sounds like your family, consider this: do you really want your daughter to grow up believing that it’s ever okay for her to be treated with hostility or to demean another person?

A few years after the baby-bully incident, Noah came face to face with the real deal. Two weeks into Kindergarten he encountered a much larger Kindergartener on the school bus who was a year older than he and who gave him an overzealous noogie and then repeatedly slammed his head into the seat in front of him. This, according to a Mom riding the bus who’d seen the incident unfold. She said she was too shocked to intervene, was unwilling to report the incident because of her friendship with his parents, and only mentioned it to me out of concern for why Noah didn’t stand up for himself.

That he never even told me blew me away. Not a peep. I cried buckets.

Sometimes kids don’t tell for fear of retaliation from the bully, or fear that they will be perceived as cry-babies. I spoke up, however, and expressed that while I expected consequences for the boy, it mattered as much that someone figure out why it happened to begin with.

Once a bullying crisis passes, be careful not to foreclose on the possibility that your child and the bully might become friendly, if not friends. As for Noah and his baby-bully, they developed into preschool pals. The kid from the bus actually came over to apologize, and he and Noah ended up playing in the backyard while his Mom and I chatted nearby.

Teach your kids strategies for dealing with bullies (see tips below), but be part of the solution and model for them the most important things of all: respect for others and compassion for those who bully. It’s okay to teach forgiveness and grace while you set limits and protect your kids.

Tips for Parents

Insist that your school creates and follows through on their bullying and harassment policies, and suggest that supervision be beefed up in known bullying ‘hotspots’ like lunchrooms, bathrooms and school busses.

Remind children that stopping to stare when they see bullying in progress just adds fuel to the fire. Without an audience of bystanders many bully-dramas fizzle out. Teach children to report bullying behavior, and make sure they know the difference between telling and tattling.

If your child is bullied, coach him to walk away from a bully’s taunts. Though it may seem unrealistic, role-play how your child might respond. Teach him to firmly say “Please stop, you’re hurting me / my feelings.” Sometimes this stops a bully in his tracks.

Kids are less vulnerable to bullying if they develop friendships and use the buddy system. Encourage them to befriend kids who get picked on, too.

Most important, make sure children understand that bullying isn’t their fault.

*Look for my second installment in this series on bullying next month, when I address “Cyberbullying.”

–Jennifer DuBose, M.S., C.A.S. has been a Clinical Member of The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy(AAMFT) since 1995. Got a question or concern you’d like her to address? Nothing is off limits. If you’re a parent and it’s on your mind, chances are you’re not alone. Don’t suffer the wonders. Send your questions to parentingisntforsissies@hotmail.com. Your name and other identifying information will be kept strictly confidential.

Dodging Storms With Kids

2008-08-05T22:28:00Z

Wild night last night, huh? As for my clan, we hunkered down in our new home’s cobwebby old basement with a game of Boggle, our kitty, a cell phone, flashlight, crank-powered emergency radio and a thermos of water. Oh, and some M&M’s.

Best not forget the instant joy whilst dodging tornadoes and lightening bolts.

We made a fast-grab for these items before we headed downstairs to hang with the spiders. I’m not sure what worried seven-year-old Holly more: the spiders or the wacky weather, but I made a mental note to vacuum the cobwebs – and to ‘get with it’ and prepare for the next time we’re told by weather forecasters to take cover.

Even though we were unsure just how serious the storm would become, we’re still relatively new to the Midwest and have never before heard such stern, adamant weather warnings from local forecasters before.

So down we went. But not before grabbing the M&M’s.

And besides, it’s good to model emergency procedures for kids. School-aged kids are already familiar with these routines, as they periodically practice them at school, but for the younger set, an emergency sprint to the basement can be frightening. Not exciting, as I dared suggest to Holly, who set me straight as she huddled against me on my lap:

“This isn’t exciting, Mommy, it’s a storm.” Yes. This is true. Though I actually love watching a storm from a cozy window seat, I can appreciate that others may not share in my enthusiasm. That said I’ve never suffered any storm damage, emotional or otherwise. If I had, I might feel differently.

Don’t pretend you’re not scared, if you are. Running for cover is scary (even if it’s also a little bit exciting and feels a tad like an adventure), and denying that it is just confuses kids and teaches them to deny feelings. If they express fear or shed some tears, let them know that it makes sense that they’d find this all a bit overwhelming. You might even regale them with tales of times you and your folks had to take cover when you were a child, especially if you have a funny anecdote to relate. Like the time your great-Uncle Jack passed gas while you all crowded into the basement utility room, making everybody gag and laugh until they cried and cousin Joey threw-up. Make something up if you have to. Necessity is the mother of invention.

So we passed the hour playing boggle (Holly's been pining for a "family fun night" for a while now, but I doubt this is what she had in mind) while I perched on a child’s antique wooden folding chair decidedly too small for my backside. The moment it began tingling with that unmistakable pins-and-needles sensation I seriously considered the wisdom of preparing for such occasions. For starters, I would need a comfier chair. I held my tongue for fear of raising the kids’ anxiety, but I decided that we would need to prepare an emergency kit should we need to make another mad-dash to the basement. We’ll let the kids contribute to a brainstorming session on the subject of emergency preparedness (but not during a scary storm). Having some control over some aspect of the experience can help kids to feel less anxious.

If, like me, you lack a finished basement outfitted with a bathroom, fully stocked kitchen and tricked-out media room, create an emergency kit filled with essentials and non-perishables that you can stow in the basement just in case. Or, if you live in a condo or high-rise where you lack basement storage, create a portable kit that can be grabbed as you sprint to your building’s basement or emergency shelter. In this case, you might also want to pick up a couple of those light-weight fold-up tri-pod stools and maybe a blanket or two. (If you have pets, don’t forget to provide for them. Unless you have a portable litter box, however, skip the food and water, unless you anticipate being sheltered for more than a couple of hours.) Flashlights, cellphones, fresh batteries and a crank-radio are must-haves, and consider a camping potty (with TP!), prescription medications and diapering supplies.

Bottled water, granola bars, dried fruit and nuts are good choices for your kit (don’t forget to periodically rotate-out and replace expired items – even bottled water), and don’t forget each family member’s favorite snack. Oh, and don’t forget to tuck in a couple of simple games. Remember, you’ll be somewhat jazzed-up, so unless you have nerves of steel, skip new activities with complicated rules that your little ones (and you) may not be able to grasp under the circumstances. Stick with old familiar standbys. Familiarity is reassuring during times of crisis. Boggle, hangman, and a deck of cards would work just fine for my gang (Have I ever mentioned that my Psychologist-hubby taught our ten-year-old son how to play Poker? That’s another blog post …). Sneak in a few novelties from the dollar-store, too. You may only need to pass an hour or two in the basement, but being well-prepared will help your family to more comfortably pass the time.

Moving With Kids? Plan to Dole Out a Few More Snuggles at Bedtime

2008-08-02T01:40:00Z

We were surrounded by boxes. Some had already seen active duty in more than their fair share of moves and sported several layers of packing tape, badly tattered corners and barely viable seams. Those travel-weary boxes looked like we felt, as we contemplated the rigors of yet another move.

Late one night I found my husband bent over a list he’d feverishly composed, his brows knit in concentration. His list of “things to pack in the car” included “cats, cat food, litter, and vacuum, cleaning supplies, one baby, one wife and one husband.”

“You have to make sure you don’t forget anything,” he wryly explained.

That was six moves ago. We swore we’d never do it again, but here we are, unpacking old boxes in another new home.

What have we learned, besides a few strategies for sneaking off to the Goodwill with boxes of forgotten toys without being intercepted by the kids? We also discovered that it’s not simply our precious photo albums and favorite things that need to be remembered when we move. Families need special handling too.

Moving is hard. It rates right up there among the most stressful life events. Sometimes it involves a wind-down process at work and the sale and purchase of real estate, but moving can also be about how we manage grief. It shows up as we say good-bye, for what may be the last time, to a space, a place, and even to an elderly neighbor we’ve grown to love and honestly wonder if we’ll ever see again.

Before each move we’ve also wondered: will our new neighbors like us? Will we like them? How will our kids adjust to their new surroundings? Twice our concerns included “How are we all going to tolerate a fifteen-hour road trip to our new home with a puking cat and one of us in the throes of cutting first-year molars?”

Familiar routines and unconscious habits that we take for granted but which get us from one end of the day to the next are forever altered when we move. Where will the kids stow their backpacks in our new home? How long does the dryer need to run? What time will my husband have to set his alarm so he can catch the train? These questions require a mental attention which, until we get our bearings, demands that we not rush.

No matter how many lists we write and what we anticipate, we’re only human. We’re likely to be a tad anxious or cranky during a move, and it’s helpful to be more lenient with each other. Lower your expectations and cut yourself and your family some slack. You’re all likely to regress a bit in the face of this kind of stress. Young children may need extra reassurance and will appreciate a few more snuggles at bedtime.

Crabby kids can be redirected with suggestions to personalize their new bedrooms and make change-of-address cards to send to old friends. No matter your reason for relocating — job transfer, divorce, etc. — remember that your kids will model your example of how to manage stressful times. If you turn the move into an adventure, a discovery process of finding the sweetest ice-cream joint and coolest park in town, they will be reassured that life will go on. While you’re at the park get the dirt on pediatricians and mechanics. If you’re really clever and charming you’ll even score a few playdates — for the kids, too.

Make sure that everyone gets a little respite from the tedious chores involved in your move and takes time to play. I’m inclined to toil too long and don’t always remember to take breaks (once I get started, that is), but it’s truly not possible to sustain the intensity of the physical and emotional ‘work’ inevitable with transitions — and come through them well — without a little down time.

Don’t be surprised by or criticize the thoughts and feelings that come up during your move, even if they seem foreign or ‘weird.’ They, and any dreams you may have can be unsettling and even scary, but they are very important ways in which we work through and manage transitions. Delayed reactions from children who suddenly melt-down a few weeks after a move aren’t uncommon, either. Be gentle with yourself and each other, have a few belly laughs when things get absurd and you’ll all get through it.

Don't Be A Sissy -- Stick To Your Budget At Six-Flags

2008-07-10T00:50:00Z

A day spent at an amusement park can make your wallet feel like it’s taken one spin too many on the tilt-a-whirl. Simple planning and a few insider tips will make you and your wallet feel a bit less spent when you head to Six Flags Great America and Hurricane Harbor in nearby Gurnee, Illinois.

For starters, peruse sixflags.com or call Six Flags at (847) 249-4636 before you even think about packing your brood into the mini-van. It’s nearly impossible to do the whole park in one day, so review the park map and create a game-plan. Buy and print cheaper admission tickets on-line and consider purchasing season’s passes, which pay for themselves in fewer that two visits. Kids under two are free and expectant mothers and others with limited access to rides get in for half-price.

Buy and print meal vouchers on-line too. You’ll be able to stick to a budget and ensure that your teenagers don’t spend their meal money on games. Various dining options are available, but food at Six Flags can be a budget buster. Bring a water bottle to refill at water fountains and consider bringing your own food and tailgating. Picnic areas are located just outside the main entrance, so leave your cooler in the car (food other than baby food is not allowed in the park) and have your hand stamped for re-entry at mealtime. Early arrival at the park (before the gate opens at 10 a.m.) will ensure a handy spot for tailgating, made easier if you park in General parking ($25). Value parking is $15 but is a longer walk from the park entrance.

Eating at off-peak times will save time in ride lines no matter how you dine, but purchasing a Flash-Pass is the best time-saver of all. Pricey at first glance (check website for options), the value of the Flash Pass becomes infinitely greater once you witness the lines at some attractions. Noah and I tried eight roller coasters (you only live once!), and were stunned to learn that the wait for the recently unveiled The Dark Night coaster was over four hours. Even with the Gold Flash Pass we waited for over half-an-hour to board (try it during off-peak hours. Better yet, hit the big rides after five p.m. or visit the park during off-peak days, Tuesday through Thursday and during September), and we didn’t think the ride experience came anywhere close to matching the hype. We weren’t fans of the head-banging Iron-Wolf coaster either, but I could have spent all day aboard the Raging Bull: a smooth ride with lots of twisty thrills. Noah’s favorite coaster is Batman the Ride, and we both agreed that control-freaks should steer-clear of Superman: Ultimate Flight. This is one of those rides where you just have to give in to the experience and let go, folks. I recall squeezing my eyes closed and briefly praying (to a god who doesn’t object to swearing), but then I realized that since there was no way I was going to board that dang ride again I might as well let go and take in the experience.

Do yourself a favor and invest in a fanny pack before you go if you plan to fly like a superhero, however. Noah said he saw my cell phone zip past his head like a missile, and I watched in semi-amused horror as about two dollars in change rained down from my baggy pockets to the ground. I had officially joined the club for ‘fools without fanny-packs.’ The Six Flags folks actually found my cell-phone – sans battery (probably snapped off when it hit the ground). They do a sweep of the grounds daily and have a very busy lost and found department.

If you must bring personal items (remember sunscreen, bathing suits and towels for Hurricane Harbor, which is free with paid admission to Six Flags), budget for a locker rental: nine to fifteen dollars per day. Lockers accept bills and credit cards and are located throughout the park and in Hurricane Harbor (don’t miss the Tornado, a high-speed tube slide worth the climb.)

Six Flags isn’t just for thrill seekers. There are several kids’ areas with shows and rides for children, including Holly’s favorites, the Great American Raceway and the Carousel. When it’s illuminated at night it’s a stunning picture spot (in front of the reflecting pond) – but keep your cash in your fanny pack and avoid getting suckered into one of those official Six Flags photos.

He'd Better Miss Miss Me ... Or I'm Getting My Money Back

2008-07-03T21:46:00Z

I told Noah about the Vaseline on the toilet seat. And about putting conditioner in the shampoo bottles. I may even have mentioned the Saran Wrap my bunkmates and I stretched across the toilet seat in the cabin next door while everyone else was at dinner.

That one is a camp pranks best-hit. An oldie but a goodie.

Hey, I’m sorry if it’s your kid who bears the brunt of my kid’s camp pranks, but I had to come up with something to make Noah’s first solo week away from home sound appealing.

Yeah, I know, I should know better.

The first time I broached the subject of camp, Noah was stunned.

“A week’s a long time,” he slowly replied, as I loaded the dishwasher and he poked his head into the pantry to sniff out a snack.

He agreed that the zip-line, horseback rides and bonfires all sounded swell, but he’s never been away from us for that long. A week is a long time.

When I mentioned that his best buds were also going and that they’d even get to bunk in the same cabin, he nodded. Then he shrugged.

Close, but no cigar.

It was time to dig deep, so I hooked him with the pranks. That sealed the deal.

Again, I’m truly sorry. Did I mention that I’m a therapist? Free trauma counseling if my kid makes your kid cry. I’ll even squeeze in a few minutes for your kid.

Why the hard sell? Had Noah’s friends not been going I might have waited another year to consider sending him away to camp, but I sensed an opportunity. I’m reassured that he’ll have his buddies with him on his first journey into the woods without Mommy’s compass. This time he’ll have to find his own way, without my guidance – or interference. Plus, there’s something magical about a boy going to camp while he still possesses a sense of wonder, before pursuing girls becomes a full-time endeavor.

A child’s first trip to camp is a right of passage. Sure, it’s a nice break from Mom, Dad and little sis’, but it’s more than that. Camp will be an opportunity for our son to catch a glimpse of himself as a totally separate person, differentiated from our family. He’ll discover how he’s inclined to react and respond to social situations and other conundrums independently. He’ll learn to recognize his own voice.

Oh, and lest I forget, camp will also be a chance for Noah to miss us. To really appreciate his Dad and me and to realize how good he’s got it at home. To miss getting read to every night as he falls to sleep…

I’m going to have a little cry now.

Many years ago I listened as noted pediatrician and parenting guru T. Berry Brazelton addressed a Mom concerned with preparing her young child for a brief separation from her. “Trust me,” he smiled in his signature grandfatherly style, “It’ll be harder on you than it will be on him.” I recall nodding self-assuredly as I laughed along with the audience of family therapists and the smattering of parents who’d come to hear Brazelton speak.

Eighteen years later I’ve shed that naive self-assurance, and can totally relate to that worried Mom. I also get what Brazelton meant. Sure, Noah will experience a pang or two of homesickness, but he’ll have the time of his life. He’ll be too busy to miss me for long. Though, given the stellar sarcasm I’ve been subjected to recently he’d better miss me or I’m getting my money back.

As for the pranks, I tried to redeem myself with talk of consequences and potential paybacks, but I’m afraid Noah didn’t give a hoot about that. Too busy plotting. I never got around to mentioning the old ‘itching powder in the PJ’s’ prank, though. Take it, it’s yours. But tell your kid to go easy on Noah. Like I said, it’s his first time.

Camp will be good for all of us. Todd and I will get to dote on Holly and have a squabble-free week, and Noah will really dig the zip-line. The zip-line has actually been on my “list of things to do before I die” for a while now. Hmmm …I wonder if Noah will mind if I tag along…

I sure am gonna miss the little guy.

Then again, maybe it won’t be so bad. Chances are, he’ll get kicked out and sent home early.

Some Implications of Skipping a Grade: Pre-K or K?

2008-06-08T15:47:00Z

I responded to the following query posted in one of our discussion forums, but wanted to highlight it here as I think a lot of parents wrestle with the same conundrum:

"I'm the mom of an exceptionally bright 4 year old who just completed Preschool. He enjoyed the socializing aspect of preschool but had to be challenged daily because he is so bright. He has been reading for a year now and currently reads and comprehends on a 1st grade level. He knows all the letters, letter sounds and can write all the letters. He sounds out words and has quite the vocabulary. He can write several words. He can count and is grasping addition. He is probably more computer savvy than me. I can't take any credit for any of this. It has all come naturally.

The issue in our household is whether to send him onto Pre K next year (he will not turn 5 until November) or to have him tested for Kindergarten. My husband thinks his little brainiac should go to Kindergarten but I, on the other hand, realize that my little Einstein is a bit immature and may benefit from another year with peers his own age."

As a family therapist and school counselor I often get this question. My bias is generally to keep kids with their same-aged peers, as academic development is not the only focus of the school experience. Kids also need to develop as emotional and social creatures, and this can be challenging if they regularly attend school with older kids. Consider that many parents in our area already have their kids begin K a year late for various reasons, chief among them an apparent desire to make their kids more competitive as they age (sports, academic scholarships, etc.) -- though some have valid concerns about their child's maturity or readiness for school. Whatever the reason for their choices, consider too that girls generally mature more quickly physically and sometimes emotionally -- so a boy leaping ahead of his age-mates could have classmates a couple of years advanced in areas besides the academic. This isn't wholly negative, but it means that you'll have to contend with certain issues earlier. Your child's friends may be driving cars, considering sexuality, or experimenting with substances earlier than you may be comfortable.

As for your child's academic needs, there are wonderful programs already in place in many Illinois public schools that challenge kids who need or want additional challenges. Nobody wants your child to be bored, which can net a number of results: you might get a fidgity kid who ends up acting-out, causing observers (teachers and parents) to misname the problem, or even find that a child who is underwhelmed and understimulated ironically performs below typical grade-level expectations. These are interesting possibilities worth thoughtful exploration.

No matter your decision, remember that you are the expert on your child (though the final decision about grade assignment must be made in collaboration with your school district, based on a number of variables, including resources).

For me, while there are endless whiny days when I just wanna drop kick my offspring to the moon (or to college a little early...), I'm occasionally jealous of those parents who thought to keep their kids back a year before beginning kindergarten. Oh, you know, they get to enjoy their sidekicks at home another year, and can revel in the cozy illusion a tad longer that they can actually insulate their babies from the harsher realities of 'real life' beyond the nest.

So I'll put the question to all of you veteran parents out there, who've perhaps already faced this concern and have some kernels of wisdom to pass along. How do we capitalize on the school experience as an opportunity to best meet the academic, social and emotional needs of our children?