Two years ago, Chicago hosted the Gay Games, proving they could put on an international athletic event involving synchronized swimmers in drag without incident.Things didn’t go as well at last year’s LaSalle Marathon, when hydration stations ran out of water before the race ended. Some say the glitch may have hurt the city’s chances, small as they are, of hosting the 2020 Olympic Games.
But wait—there’s still time to impress the International Olympic Committee, which doesn’t make its final decision on a site until 2009. And what better way to do it than by hosting an event that the world has been waiting for, they just don’t know it:
The Mom Olympics. (Dads could enter too, if they make the cut.)
Qualifying sports would include:
Stroller Slalom: A half mile away from home, hold screaming toddler who doesn’t want to go in the stroller in one arm, while pushing empty stroller with the other.
Dog Dancing: Try to walk a German Shepherd in the snow while carrying a 15-pound baby in a front carrier. For extra excitement, have those metal- and wooden-pallet salvage guys who haul around grocery carts pass by every few minutes, to really freak out the dog.
Laundry Decathlon: See who can actually get a load of laundry done in seven hours when they’re alone with a one-year-old in the house—and they have to go outside and down a flight of stairs to get to the laundry room.
Cell-phone Wrestling: Just try to get your cell phone out of the iron grasp of a willful preschooler who knows how to work more of the features than you do.
Baby Luge: Whoever can go down the slide the local playground with a kid in their lap and not get a charley horse wins.
Hat Gymnastics: Try to keep fussy baby’s hat on for more than 15.4 seconds, a world’s record.
If Grant Park isn’t available, maybe we could close off a street, block-party style, or hold the event in a neighbor’s backyard. For the torch ceremony, any park in Rogers Park will do—on a warm day, I’d say 75 percent of the world’s countries are represented there. Funds raised, instead of going toward interest payments on a new stadium, could go toward buying a pepperoni pizza for everyone to share.