This week's blog post is by WDP co-host Matt Rocco, who
lives in the Edgewater Glen neighborhood of Chicago with Professor
Foster (his non-white, non-dad wife), and their daughter Viva, who
is already better at math than her father.
No matter how much you think you know about raising children, as
soon as that baby arrives, you're out to sea. An enormous industry
has sprung up around parenting advice, and just navigating the
advice can be as confusing as taking care of the baby! Luckily, I
am here to help you cut through the waters of cash grabbing advice
manuals and get straight to the real truth.
Rule #1 of Parenting: THERE ARE NO RULES.
Rule #2 of Parenting: Keep Your Kid's Blood Sugar Up
Rule #3 of Parenting: Wait. Rule #2 Kind of Contradicts, Rule
#1, Doesn't It?
Rule #4 of Parenting: Come To Think of It, Rule #1 Pretty Much
Rule #5 of Parenting: Rule #4 Wasn't Really a Rule, More of an
Rule #6 of Parenting: That's Also True for Rule #5, and Rule #6.
Rule #7 of Parenting: They Usually Don't Let You Send Treats To
School On Your Kid's Birthday Anymore. Something About Allergies.
So If You're Thinking About It, Call the School First.
Rule #8 of Parenting: And If the Treats Aren't Individually
Wrapped or They Contain Peanuts, You Can Pretty Much Forget It.
Rule #9 of Parenting: I'm Regretting Rule #1 a Little Bit Now. I
Just Wanted to Start Forcefully. Forget Rule #1.
Rule #10 of Parenting: It's True, Though. There are Exceptions
to Almost Every Rule.
Rule #11 of Parenting: Except the Thing About Blood Sugar.
Nobody Realizes What a Big Deal That Is.
Rule #12 of Parenting: If Your Kid is Acting Especially
Irrationally, You Need to Ask Yourself, Are They Being Naughty or
Do They Just Need a Snack?
Rule #13 of Parenting: Because Kids Are Basically Nice If
They're Rested and Fed.
Rule #14 of Parenting: So Make Sure They Get Enough Sleep,
Rule #15 of Parenting: And You Won't Believe How Much Sleep They
Need. It's Worse Than a Cat.
Rule #16 of Parenting: Some Kids are Just Jerks, I Suppose, But
Most of Them Just Need Sleep and a Snack.
Rule #17 of Parenting: And Good Quality Sleep, Too, So Make Sure
the Room Is Dark and You Aren't, Like, Vacuuming or Dropping Noisy
Things on the Floor.
Rule #18 of Parenting: You Might Even Have to Take Your Shoes
Off When You Walk Around.
Rule #19 of Parenting: And Not Just Any Snacks - Healthy Stuff
With Sugars That Metabolize Slowly.
Rule #20 of Parenting: Maybe Get One of Those Sleep Machines
That Makes Wave Sounds and Heartbeats and Stuff.
Rule #21 of Parenting: Come to Think Of It, I Might Get One of
Those For Myself.
Rule #22 of Parenting: They Say Parents REALLY Don't Get Enough
Rule #23 of Parenting: I'd Probably Put It On the Wave Sounds Or
Rain, Because My Wife Thinks the Heartbeat Sounds Creepy.
Rule #24 of Parenting: Like in an Edgar Allen Poe Kind of Way,
Rule #25 of Parenting: My Wife Carries Around a Granola Bar in
Her Purse For When I Start Getting Spacey Or Acting Like a Jerk.
You Should Do That, Too.
Rule #26 of Parenting: Of Course, the Rain and Wave Sounds Might
Make You Have to Pee All Night, So Choose Wisely.
Rule #27 of Parenting: Or Earplugs. That's Probably Easiest.
Rule #28 of Parenting: Wait, Then You Can't Hear if The Baby
Wakes Up. Do NOT Wear Earplugs.
Rule #29 of Parenting: Repeat, Do NOT Wear Earplugs.
Rule #30 of Parenting: Try the Granola Bar Thing, Though. It
Rule #31 of Parenting: Thirty-One Is a Weird Number to End
Rule #32 of Parenting: So, In Closing, Again, Please Forget Rule
#1 and #27.
Rule #33 of Parenting: Parenting is Very Complicated
Viva Rocco (Age 2), #1, 2013, Installation: Foam Letter on
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