This week's blog post is by WDP co-host Matt Rocco, who
lives in the Edgewater Glen neighborhood of Chicago with Professor
Foster (his "Brown Mom" wife), and their daughter Viva. Currently
banned in their home are non-organic dairy products, chocolate at
bedtime, and evidently all songs that are not on the soundtrack to
The snow is melting, the birds are chirping, and all the
trendiest new lifestyle restrictions and civil rights violations
have been introduced from legislatures, school boards, celebrities,
and more across America! While you and your children obliviously
carry on with last year's freedoms, there are all kinds of stylish
interdictions to be followed, and WDP is here to keep you up to
date and fashionably suppressed.
Read on to find out what's au courant in the world of
No doubt you've read that last week, Haven Middle School in
Evanston briefly banned girls from wearing leggings to school.
After causing quite a splash with this move and getting all of the
media talking, they decided leggings would not be banned, provided
the ladies wore skirts, shirts, or shorts that covered up their
nether regions, lest boys be distracted from their studies and
transformed into libidinous monsters.
It is important for girls to understand that their sexuality is
a threat not only to decency, but to order, safety, and the public
good. To expose boys to blossoming feminine wiles in a learning
environment is to invite chaos, debauchery, and low standardized
test scores. As the coming springs turns young men's fancies to
thoughts of profligacy, most Chicago area junior high schools have
banned the following clothing items for ladies: tank tops, sun
dresses, T-shirts, sweaters, jeans, boots, socks, suits, coats,
scarves, hats, gloves, and choir robes. Ladies may wear any of
these approved items: Puffy coats, Halloween ghost costumes
(non-sexy variety), and hockey equipment. Also banned in school are
distracting non-clothing items such as fashion magazines, anatomy
textbooks, the Internet, dancing, Nikki from second period Algebra,
pears, photos of mountain ranges, and stiff breezes.
Facebook boss Sheryl Sandberg and a host of celebrity royalty
have determined that using the term "bossy" when referring to
little girls saps said girls of their vigor, determination, and
ability to lead. You may not think it is cute when your daughter
demands that you wear a tiara and dance to the theme song to "Sofia
the First," but it is that selfish, demanding, short-sighted streak
that will make her a real captain of industry some day. Would
Sandra Day O'Connor have become the first Supreme Court Justice if
she hadn't told Ronald Reagan in 1981, "No, no, no, I don't want to
eat lunch - I want my juice! And cake! And cartoons! I want it
right now, now now!"? Heck, no. Female leaders are nurtured into
fruition, and your flippant use of the word "bossy" is stunting
their ability to tell people how high to jump and how fast to do
Other banned terms in addition to "Bossy" include: Greedy, Rude,
Grabby, Obnoxious, Ruthless, Reckless, and Bitey. They are
qualities to be valued and admired.
In February, both of houses of the Arizona State Legislature
voted to approve a bill that would sanction any discrimination by
business owners who felt that inalienable human rights interfered
with their moral and religious convictions. While the bill was
vetoed by Governor Jan Brewer in the interest of interstate
commerce, Arizona has never been a state to let broader public
opinion get in the way of good old-fashioned injustice and
Up for banishment or boycott this month in Arizona: Driving
while Ethnic, Shopping While Effeminate, Dining with That Atheist
Shiftiness About You, and Disturbing the Retirees with that Rock 'n
Roll Music of Yours.
In Grand Junction, Colo., a 9-year-old girl shaved her head in a
show of solidarity for her friend who was fighting cancer. The
administration of her private school asked her not to return to
school for breaking their dress code, which expressly forbade "Gang
Attire, Clothing with Obscenities or Offensive Language, and
Resembling a Chemotherapy Patient on School Grounds."
While the school has reneged on the punishment in light of
public outcry from a bunch of Buttinskis who don't even live there,
school officials noted, "As soon as you jerks go back to listening
to that 'Selfie' song, eating Cronuts, and ignoring us, we're going
to kick that little bald girl back out and ban a bunch more
Upcoming banned behaviors include: Helping Old Ladies Across the
Street, Picking Up Wounded Birds and Nursing Them Back to Health
with an Eyedropper, Giving Soup to the Soupless, and Charitable
Hey, remember Kansas? Not the "Dust in the Wind" guys, but the
state that "won't have none o' y'alls fancy book-larnin'" and every
few years tries to get all pictures of monkeys and the
Archaeopteryx removed from its school textbooks? Well, those
fun-loving, causality-hating scamps are at it again. A new proposal
before the Kansas Legislature would allow the state to write its
own Core Science Standards in the face of federal-suggested
standards, with the intent of banning evolution-friendly guidelines
for fear of students worshipping dinosaurs instead of the state's
official deity, the Remington M700 Bolt-Action Rifle.
Also banned would be the heathen concepts of Gravity,
Interplanetary Motion, Wave-Particle Duality, and that thing where
you put Mentos in Diet Coke and it blows up. According to Parents
Group, Families for Family Values for the Family, "Mentos and Diet
Coke were put here by the Devil to confuse the children."
All right, folks, enjoy your new upcoming bans for spring, and
watch this space for the new summer bans - we hear Kristin
Cavallari is coming for your ability to protect your child from the
If you enjoyed this essay, subscribe to the WDP podcast for
free on iTunes!
You can also listen at whitedadproblems.com. (Do
note that the show has a potty mouth and is definitely for Over 17
And follow the Dads on Facebook and on Twitter:
White Dad Problems is now The Paternity Test. Head to the new blog page for more great content.
See more of White Dad Problems's stories here.
Let us plan your weekend with the best family events and activities in Chicagoland.
Start the week right with deals, prizes, parent life hacks and more delivered straight to your inbox.
Need last-minute ideas for a weekend of family fun? No worries. We've got you.
Get the inside scoop on the people, places and things we are loving right now.
Resources, tips, inspiration and more for parents of children with special needs.
Score exclusive offers from our fabulous advertisers.