This week's blog post is by WDP co-host Matt Rocco, who
lives in the Edgewater Glen neighborhood of Chicago with Professor
Foster (his non-white, non-dad wife), their daughter Viva, and so.
The die was cast before he had scooped all of the pink wrapping
paper from the baby shower off the floor. It had already begun -
the infiltration. Sure, the baby was coming, but that was an
invited presence, one that had been developing for months. This was
something more sinister, something that had decided to accompany
the baby, an insidious force that had clawed its way into this
world through the rift torn open by the baby's conception.
It crept on pink plastic feet. It slithered on velvety blankets.
It rolled on wobbly wheels and played a merry tune. It smelled like
lilacs, and baby power, and chemical approximations of berries, and
though it whistled and sang and reached out for hugs, it began to
replace all he had been and all he had known.
First it stood next to what had come before, then pushed its
competition out - his memories, his relics, his identity, to the
basement, the garage, to charities. It staked its claim and made
manifest its destiny. His world was being reshaped, repainted,
reupholstered in purple and rose and sage and white, in butterflies
and bees and flowers and ponies, in duckies and puppies and kitties
and lambs. Unrelenting preciousness. Unyielding adorableness.
Worst were the eyes. Everything had eyes now. Not just the
dolls, but the towels and the bowls and the books and the spoons
and the towels and even the shower spigots. There was no privacy
and no escape from googly judgment and rictus grins, watching,
laughing. Everything he could look at looked back.
After the first birthday and the first Christmas, the balance of
power had finally shifted. The war had been fought and won by the
spreading plastic menace. It now had only to declare the terms of
And in the night it booped and it beeped and it quacked and it
giggled. It rattled and counted and rained and cricketed. Though he
tried to sleep when the baby slept, there was that inescapable
sensation of butterfly wings near his cheek. There were telltale
mechanical heartbeats and the errant skittering of rubbery
candy-scented hooves. Were bean-filled paws padding across the
hardwood? Were Velcro arms cuddling the sides of the mattress? And
from the shadows between projected constellations were button-nosed
faces coming closer to his? Battery-powered voices whispering his
name? Had they come for the very spot where he lay?
Where would they put him?
What space was left?
Something plush covered his mouth…
Flee from the Grand March
If you enjoyed this piece, subscribe to the WDP podcast for
free on iTunes!
You can also listen at whitedadproblems.com. (Do
note that the show has a potty mouth and is definitely for Over 17
Only.) Follow the Dads on Facebook and on Twitter:
Three former college roommates, now hapless Dads on “the wrong side of 35”, investigate the mystery that is fatherhood... without a clue.
See more of White Dad Problems's stories here.
What to do with your weekend, delivered every Thursday.
Great deals and chances to win prizes, delivered every Monday.
Exclusive offers from our partners,usually delivered twice a week.
Resources for parents of children with special needs,delivered the second Tuesday each month.