This week's blog post is by WDP co-host Matt Rocco, who
lives in the Edgewater Glen neighborhood of Chicago with Professor
Foster (his non-white, non-dad wife), and their daughter Viva, who
believes that Santa, Giuseppe Verdi, and Charles Darwin are all the
same person and says "Ho Ho Ho" to the exclusion of all other
You'd better watch out. You'd better not cry. You'd better not
pout. Because if you do, an ancient polar moral authority with
technology far beyond mortal comprehension will deny you a super
expensive present to throw on top of the pile of presents you're
going to get on Dec. 25. On the other hand, should you behave,
he'll invade your house under cover of darkness and give you a Wii
U, licensed by Nintendo, but constructed by elves. ELVES!
It's that time of year again, the time when little children are
taught to forget everything they know about physics, locomotion,
and the skillset of caribou, and put their faith in a hirsute fat
man with rosacea who travels the world in velvet pajamas. Santa
Claus is coming to town.
My wife and I have gone around and around since we first met
about how to handle "The Santa Problem" with our children, to no
avail. Now we have a 2-year-old and the issue is squarely at hand.
I am anti-Santa. She is pro-Santa. The battle was, of course, over
before it began - she's going to get what she wants, and Santa will
be visiting our house this year and, bleary-eyed, wolfing down
holiday Chips Ahoy and a glass of milk at 2 a.m. (even though he is
What my wife doesn't have, however, is the glorious WDP media
empire, which I will now employ to state my side of the
After I make the Case Against Santa, I will let you decide if
this whole Yuletide farce should indeed continue.
This "jolly old elf" spends the year making toys and delivering
them to privileged children who uphold his code of conduct whilst
completely ignoring the pain and suffering of most of the world's
You have enslaved a race of subservient manufacturing workers,
Kris Kringle, you vicious arctic tyrant! Ingenious ones, at that!
Perhaps they could be working on new antibiotics, sustainable
farming practices, or methods to mitigate climate change instead of
bringing iPhones to little Skylar Bourgeoisie in Kenilworth. Did
you even think of that? Did you?
Enjoy your Barbie Dream House, Kendall in Rye, N.Y. Good luck
with your guitar, Cameron in Austin, Texas. Don't fall off your new
bike, Reagan in Orange County.
What's that, Anushka in New Delhi? Nothing in your stocking? How
about you, Zhang Min? Any jingle bells on your rooftop in
He sees you when you're sleeping. Gross.
This villain has the ability to monitor every person on earth
24/7, and yet he does nothing to deter or apprehend criminals, he
merely decides whether or not your 7-year-old was too whiny to get
new roller blades this year. (See point one).
He also teaches your kid that good things come from not rising
up against an organized force watching your every mood. This
slippery slope begins with St. Nick and ends with red light and
speed cameras along Ashland, Peterson, Chicago, Western, and more
sending you automated tickets at $100 a throw.
Let's see, he visits all the houses in North America in about
six hours, in treacherous weather conditions, using only eight
reindeer, and tiny ones at that (not counting the one with the
radioactive proboscis). He gets into everyone's living rooms, even
though no one has had a chimney that can fit a person since
whatever decade Mary Poppins is set. He shoots back UP the chimney
using a nose activated jetpack. Oh, and he somehow finds time to
sit in a chair in the middle of every mall in the country all
weekend and get peed on by toddlers.
Believe that, and you'll believe that Bill Gates is sending
$1,000 to everyone who forwards an e-mail. Believe that, and you'll
believe that a Nigerian prince will give you his fortune if you
just send your ABA routing number to his inbox. Believe that, and
you'll believe in economic theories predicated on the rich allowing
money to reach the poor, the sustainability of diets that only
involve eating meat and fat, and you'll believe former Playboy
Playmates who tell you not to vaccinate your child.
Santa makes you stupid.
I'm sure you didn't work 12 hours a day all month so some
bizarre snow hermit who looks like Uncle Jesse from The Dukes of
Hazzard can get thanked for the new Lightning McQueen Power Wheels
your kid just opened.
So there you have it, my argument for why Santa deserves the Ho
Ho Heave Ho this, and every year. Leave a comment and let me know
if you agree.
Oh, also, he enjoys Coca-Cola, which makes you fat and rots your
teeth. Kids don't need to see that.
Viva Rocco, 2, Santa Saying, "Ho, Ho, Ho!" 2013, Crayon
If you enjoyed this essay, subscribe to the WDP podcast for
free on iTunes! You can also listen at whitedadproblems.com. (Do
note that the show has a potty mouth and is definitely for Over 17
Only.) Follow the Dads on Facebook and on Twitter:
White Dad Problems is now The Paternity Test. Head to the new blog page for more great content.
See more of White Dad Problems's stories here.
Let us plan your weekend with the best family events and activities in Chicagoland.
Start the week right with deals, prizes, parent life hacks and more delivered straight to your inbox.
Need last-minute ideas for a weekend of family fun? No worries. We've got you.
Get the inside scoop on the people, places and things we are loving right now.
Resources, tips, inspiration and more for parents of children with special needs.
Score exclusive offers from our fabulous advertisers.