Release
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
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Cathy Cassani AdamsRecent posts
Practice makes perfect when dealing with kids' emotions - 5/6/2013
The best ways to praise your child for a job well done - 4/15/2013
Be yourself with or without the kids around - 2/26/2013
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Camryn is playing with stickers and is noticeably disappointed when one rips. She stares at it for a few seconds and then begins to cry. Not any ordinary cry, but a loud wailing cry. I watch her for a minute or two and decide to pick her up and hug her. Her strong response tells me that she is not just crying - she is releasing.
She sits on my lap and cries loud and hard. I don't speak - I just rub her back as she lets it out. Skylar walks over and rubs her foot, a kind gesture from a 2-year-old.
I don't think Camryn is crying because of the ripped sticker - the sticker just pushed her over the edge. She may have had a tough day at school or maybe she didn't sleep great. Maybe she asked for something earlier in the day and nobody heard her or maybe she lost her favorite book.
I have days where one thing after the next goes wrong and the simple act of tripping over a carpet throws me into a tailspin. I know how emotional build up can result in an out of proportion response.
There are so many emotional experiences in the course of a day. Sometimes we work through them and sometimes we just swallow them. Sometimes we need to release them, and in Camryn's case the ripped sticker was an opportunity to let it all go.
I don't always have the patience to respond to my daughter in this way. At times I am "full" with my own stuff and other times I just need to get her to school or finish checking out at the store.
But right now I have the choice to stop what I am doing and comfort her. I know that it feels good to release emotion when someone is holding you. And I know it feels great to be understood.
Staying present for this type of outburst can be challenging. It is not easy to hear her sob. My discomfort urges me to ignore her behavior or tell her to stop.
But those big cries are begging for attention. And if the crying isn't acknowledged, a tantrum might not be far behind. In either situation she is just asking for validation. Can you allow me to cry instead of trying to fix it? Can you accept me instead of telling me to be different?
A full 10 minutes passes before Camryn's cries slow down. I quietly say, "Can I do anything to help you?" She shakes her head no and rests on me for awhile longer. Eventually she jumps down and picks up the sticker book. She looks at the ripped one with a smile and asks, "Could I have a piece a tape? I gotta get back to fixing this thing."
Cathy Adams is a certified parenting coach, yoga instructor and mother to three girls.
See more of Cathy's stories here.
Contact Cathy at cathycadams@sbcglobal.com
Too much cryingBy Jen on Tuesday, November 13, 2012 It's hard to be patient when there's been a lot of crying in one particular day, but it's wonderful when you can actually comfort instead of control. Thanks for the advice, Cathy. |
getting back to itBy Deb on Tuesday, November 13, 2012 I absolutely love that your daughter chose to go back to the activity when she got it all out. Great story. Great information, as always. This is advice I really needed. Thank you. |
"Can you allow me to cry instead of trying to fix it?"By Ben on Tuesday, November 13, 2012 "Can you allow me to cry instead of trying to fix it?" Important reminder for me as a father of three. Thanks Cathy |
helps to bring me to a better place grandparentingBy sharon ghilarducci on Tuesday, November 13, 2012 just saturday nite i used this suggestion and found i was ok with her tears (and it didnt hurt that jacey found her whistle). before i wud become so frustrated because i could not "fix" her distress. good job, taffey |
Oh how I know!By Tamara on Tuesday, November 13, 2012 My middle daughter (10) cries once a day. Nothing particularly huge sets her off, but every day, at some point, she cries. It has been one of the biggest parenting challenges for me because it is so darned irritating. There have been days I've let my own issues cloud my patience and I tell her loudly to JUST STOP! Too many days I just walk away. Your posts always inspire me to try doing something differently. Today I'll pause and hold her. |
just realized that this is similar to The Tantrum.....By Cathy on Tuesday, November 13, 2012 I just realized that this recent experience is similar to one of the chapters in my book titled The Tantrum. Same kind of emotional release, same kind of response. Crying and tantrums are not always "bad behavior", sometimes it's the best way for children to let go of negative emotions. I still love a good cry every once in awhile - I am so glad that my husband understands this and allows for it rather than thinking that he needs to "fix it". Emotions are a part of life, and releasing them allows us to move forward in health. |
tantrums and energy
By shayne on Tuesday, November 13, 2012
I just had this experience with Serena (9 yrs old) the other night. She was really upset about something and I found myself trying to give her her vitamins so that we could at least stay on schedule. In this process, I tried to get her to take some deep breaths as I approached her with the vitamins. At the time,I thought it was my suggestion to breathe that upset her, but as I write about this experience, I realize what made her more upset was that I wasn't present with her. I had an agenda and she needed to cry, be heard and validated. oops. thanks for the reminder to STOP for a minute.