Chicago mom: My kids are making me dumb

 
 

By Melissa Haak

Peanut Butter in my Hair
 

I used to be smart.

 

Not just intelligent, but quick-witted, clever and funny. However, I now have what I like to refer to as toddler-induced dementia or kid-caused stupidity. It’s totally not my fault. The kids have made me dumber. Toddlers in particular seem to be particularly good at causing brain damage, and I have two of them!

 

In the last week I have nearly set myself on fire leaning onto a stove that I was cooking on, forgot the names of basic everyday objects, called my kids the wrong names, not known what day of the week it was and tried to get into the wrong car. That’s just what I can remember!

 

Since I have two toddlers at home, they are currently tag-teaming me into insanity. The youngest one has all four molars and canines coming in at the same time. So, he’s using sleep deprivation in an effort to get me to turn into a zombie that lets him play on the stairs, stick his fingers in electrical sockets, pound on my computer, eat everything in the house (even the garbage) and run free in parking lots. His sister is using all of her words, and all of mine, all the live long day. Her words come in two forms, scream-singing Frozen and asking questions. I don’t know what the temperature is outside or what’s going on in Ukraine but I know that Arendelle is in “deep, deep, deep, DEEP snow.”

 

Apparently this is a widespread condition. I asked around on Facebook and got lots of chuckles and stories of agreement. My favorite one {which subsequently illustrates one of the toddler’s powers of mind control} is from Krystal”

 

I was on the phone with my husband, while trying to fix lunch for my daughter. She was trying to show me something, then she wanted me to tie her shoes, then change the channel on the TV to her lunch shows, then she wanted to tell me something. I got so frustrated that I told my husband I had to get off the phone because I couldn't find my cell phone, that my daughter must have taken off with it. I hung up and he called me back five minutes later laughing.

 

Or how about this interaction between myself and Hyacynth:

 

Hy: I just wish I could be more like a camel ...

Me: <silence, considers googling “Are camels deaf?”>

Hy: You know stick my head in the sand and ignore things.

Me: Ooooooooh, Ostrich, you mean Ostrich!!

 

The only consolation is that it can’t last, right? They will start to sleep. I hope they never stop asking questions, I just plan to turn them over to other people to answer them. I’m counting down the days until summer when I can at least stick the toddler and all her questions with the older kids. In the meantime, pass the coffee and make it a double!

 

 

 
 







 
 
 
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