Originally posted Nov. 2, 2008
Hold onto your hats, folks, it's parent - teacher conference time again! Parent-teacher conferences can be daunting, especially for the uninitiated. You glow with pride one moment, and then find yourself sweating about 'areas needing improvement' the next, all while perched on an itty-bitty chair that makes your knees lock up and your butt ache. What's worse, teachers must cover a lot of ground during this sprint through little Billy's last ten weeks of school, often while their next customers lurk in the hall right outside the door. These encounters sometimes feel more like a gallop to the finish line than a meeting of the minds. I recall one conference in particular where I thought "Whoa, slow down lady, I think I had a question three paragraphs ago …"
Remember the theme song to the Lone Ranger (the finale of Rossini's William Tell Overture), wherein the trumpets herald a dizzying charge to an invisible finish line a mile away? Put simply, parent - teacher conferences can leave us all breathless - teachers, too. I imagine they all arrive at their homes after a tedious day of conferences and collapse fully-clothed across their beds, their jaws slack and eyeballs rolled back into their heads...
Before you book that long weekend at the waterpark thinking you'll just play hooky and skip the whole dang ordeal, consider this: whether you're already anticipating your next one or just gearing up for your first, conferences can be fabulous opportunities to help your children 'make the grade' and enjoy their school experience - especially if you prepare.
For starters, talk to your kid. What's school like for him? What's working and what doesn't? Brainstorm and prioritize a list of questions and concerns and write them down. While it's not always comfortable to do so, plan to mention any changes in your family situation that may impact your child's performance. If you or your child has special needs, don't hesitate to engender the support of an advocate. This can be a counselor, clergyperson or friend whom you believe will help you to articulate your child's and your concerns. Don't be bashful about asking for a translator to be present if you are not fluent in English.
Once you're at the conference, have your list, paper and pen handy. You'll want to take notes as the details can get buried in a deluge of information. Don't be afraid to pause and ask for clarification if you need it, and remember to take a deep breath and be patient with reports of problem behaviors or poor performance. Resist the temptation to personalize this feedback as comments about you or reflections on your parenting.
When the opportunity for questions arises, I always ask my kids' teachers what they like best about them. My son's astute second-grade teacher once commented that Noah "loves a challenge." She really 'got' him, and that has been a helpful observation upon which we often reflect. When I asked my daughter's last teacher what occurred to her when she thought of Holly, I got such a surprising response that my eyes filled up with tears (partly out of guilt: she mentioned a tender poem that my daughter had written about hearts that I could not recall - but feigned familiarity with - and promptly turned the house upside-down to rescue). Sometimes we forget that while they're churning out lesson plans and homework assignments to keep pace with stiff curriculum requirements our children's teachers are also developing relationships with them. They have a unique perspective on our children's development and can be valuable resources to us as partners in their progress.
After you leave your conference, compare notes with your partner or advocate. Decide how to respond to conference details and how you'll discuss them with your child. He'll be on pins and needles! Remember to lead with positive comments and sandwich any constructive criticisms with affirmations. If questions remain or concerns persist request another meeting, and involve other school personnel whenever warranted. Letting issues fester unresolved can set your child up for a difficult year.
So give those parent-teacher conferences a chance, folks. After I got over my anxiety about my first one, when I needlessly worried that I'd be told that my son was caught swearing in Kindergarten, I realized they're not so bad.
Except for the chairs.
Tips for Parents:
Jennifer DuBose, M.S., C.A.S., is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Batavia.
See more of Jennifer's stories here.