What the...? What just happened? What is that?
I jump to my feet and stick my finger in my nose. That was
stupid. I shouldn't have done that. Uh-oh.
My eyes are beginning to water and it's getting harder to
breathe. Oh my God, should I call 911? "Ruby, what did you
do? What did you stick in my nose!?" I realize how
absolutely ridiculous sounds, but that's what happened. We
were playing on the floor, just kinda wrestling; I close my eyes
for one teeny-tiny second and suddenly without provocation she
decides to cram some small yet to be identified object into my
nasal cavity. I wipe away a few tears and quickly survey the
floor for potential culprits. Lego? Too big.
Cheerio? Too crunchy. Ugh… Whatever it is, it's soft,
small and had no problem taking up residence next to my ocular
nerve. Then, out of the corner of my good eye, I see
something on the floor by the couch. They're small, dark and
there appear to be hundreds of them. That's it! I get
down on all fours, just to be sure, yup I'm positive. The
unknown object has been identified. It's a raisin. Ruby has
pushed a raisin up my nose.
I should be worried, right? Yeah, I should definitely be
worried. Oh boy, I can feel my pulse quicken, chest getting
tighter… Must relax. What to do, what to do, what to do? I
run to the bathroom. I can hear Ruby's Frankenstein footsteps
slamming into the floor behind me. I feel like I'm being
stalked. She was so methodical. A ninja! That's
right - She was like a ninja. Her weaponry, her skill,
her attempt to suffocate me was so quick and clean...professional,
even. I've underestimated the little girl. She's gonna be
trouble. She lurches into the doorway, "Ah-ha dada!" I
can see it in her eyes: She loves the panic she's instilled in
I stare into the mirror for a few seconds. How am I gonna
get this out of here -- I can barely see it! I mean, it's
super stuck. I take a few steps back, place a finger to the
left side of my nose and blow. I was expecting this raisin to
shoot out and shatter the mirror, but to my horror the only thing
that becomes dislodged is my right eye from its socket. This
is worse than I thought. I sit down on the side of the tub
and try to regroup.
Meanwhile, I've noticed that the practice of heavy mouth
breathing has begun to make me dizzy. I'm scared that if I
breathe deep enough through my nose, this irritating little
juiceless grape will be snorted into my brain, causing instant
paralysis or memory loss. What am I supposed to
do? Do I go knock on the neighbor's door and politely ask if
they would mind fishing a small piece of fruit out of my
nose? I can't do that. They barley know me. And as far
as I'm concerned, anytime you let someone dig something (raisin or
other) out of your nose, you've just taken that particular
relationship to a whole new level. They'll always have that
little tidbit in their back pocket, and I'd rather die than have
someone hold that over my head.
I sit and think about this for a few more seconds, I was drawn
out of my despair when Ruby came charging past the door carrying a
wooden spoon and kicking a head of lettuce. This did not
shock me. Ever since Ruby figured out how to open the
refrigerator door, we've been finding random pieces of produce in
the weirdest places. At first I thought I was going
crazy. I found myself asking questions like, "Did I put those
baby carrots in my shoe?" or "Was I making a salad on the couch?"
and my personal favorite which came after lifting the toilet seat
to find 2 spears of asparagus floating in there: "When did we eat
that?" and "Someone needs to chew their food better." Now I
just get up and make sure that the door is closed, which is exactly
what I did.
On my way to the kitchen I start to imagine what my life would
be like if I had to live with this raisin in my nose
full-time. One positive would be the possibility that it
would absorb all of my seasonal sinus drainage. However, the
side effect would be the ever growing mucus filled grape lodged in
my head. Then I take into account that I have sinus and
allergy problems year round. That raisin can't hold my
drainage; it'll get too big, slowly swelling in my nose 'til Wham!
It splits my skull and breaks my face bone. Cause of death…
raisin, how humiliating.
Then I saw it, this was it… the answer. It was as if Ruby
was leading me to the kitchen all along. She, who stuffs the
raisin in, also knows the raisin's out. The pepper
shaker! I'm still not sure if this was one of the best or
stupidest ideas I've ever had, but it seemed viable. The plan
was to take a tiny palm full of pepper, slowly snort it into the
unobstructed nostril, which will then cause me to sneeze. The
force of the sneeze will unleash the raisin from my head and I
would once again be able to breathe cleanly through my sniffer.
The first thing I noticed was the burning. It was like someone
stuck the business end of a cigarette up my nose. Then it was
the tears, which were followed by an awful and indescribable taste
that glued itself to the back of my throat. Finally the sneezing
started. It began with one simple "Achoo!" Ruby
thought this was funny. It was then followed by approximately
146 brain-smashing, neck-snapping, mind-erasing bursts of snot and
wind. Apparently Ruby did not think those were as funny, because I
could hear her crying in between my, "Oh Gods!"
At some point during this fiasco the raisin did come out.
I have no idea where it went; I just know that it is no
longer in my nose. In fact, based solely on the ferocity of
my sneeze-a-thon, I wouldn't be surprised if upon exit, the raisin
was going so fast it created a tear in the time space continuum and
is now floating somewhere in an alternate universe.
I tried to think of an excuse, something awesome that would
stand up on its own merit, and without question. But no
matter how many times I twisted the events of the day to make them
seem cooler, they just seemed to get more and more
ridiculous. It took less than a second from the time Cathy
walked through the door to ask me why one of my nostrils was
flaming red and the other was twice its usual size. I decided
to tell her the only thing she'd believe. It was stupid,
unbelievable and 8 hours prior I would have thought the whole thing
was implausible, but it was the truth: "Ruby stuck a raisin in my
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