I will be the first person to admit that technology and I are
pretty much mortal enemies. When guests visit my home, they often
ask if I have Wi-Fi. I shrug my shoulders and offer them dip
instead. I have desperately tried to convince my husband to cancel
the cable simply because I can't figure out all the different
remote controls. I've owned an iPod for 10 years, and I'm still not
able to load a new tune on it, which leaves my original playlist
(programmed by a family member) firmly rooted in the 1990s Grunge
When my younger, savvier cousin was in town recently, she told
me about the new trend in "app Parenting." Given that my current
phone is frequently mocked for its simplicity and lack of Space Age
mechanics, it should come as no surprise that I wasn't even sure
what an app was. My cousin tried to explain:
Annie: It helps with breastfeeding and diaper
changes and medications.
Me (incredulously): Your PHONE can change your
baby's diaper? Sweet Jesus. Where was this when I had babies?
Annie (trying anxiously to keep the annoyance
out of her voice): No, no. It tracks when things are done, and
anticipates what you need to do next. Baths, feedings….they're all
on a schedule.
Me (confused): So an app isn't actually going
to change a kid's diaper?
Annie (sighing, now secretly convinced we're
not related): No.
Me: But why wouldn't you just bury your nose in
your kids' smelly, squishy diaper instead of waiting for the app to
tell you to get out the wipes? Your kid could totally be smelling
up a party, but if the app says it's not time, then what?
Annie: You just enter the new information and
Me: So now you gotta change the diaper, wash
your hands, go find your purse, AND re-program your phone? Sounds
like a lot of work to me. It already takes me an hour to text 'JOE
- NEED MILK.'
Annie: I think maybe apps aren't for you.
Me: Yeah, yeah. I was always the kid who had to
'move computers' in junior high. Story of my life. The IT people
where I worked hated me.
Annie (straight-faced): I can see how that
No, I am definitely not an app mom. I choose to instead fly by
the seat of my pants. It keeps things interesting. I bathe the kids
when they smell. I take them for their shots when the school nurse
reminds me that I missed a vaccination or two. I look at our paper
calendar each morning to remind myself of all the camps, lessons,
birthday parties, and games going on that day. I do not know what
But I'm fairly certain there will not be any apps in it.
Marianne is mother of three sons and the wife of a southside Irish fireman. She has learned that sometimes you're just too dumb to know what makes you happy. She blogs regularly at We Band of Mothers (webandofmothers.com) and curses with even greater frequency. Her material is written for the imperfect, the imprudent, and the impatient mothers who know that all this stuff is really very funny if you just give it a minute.
See more of Marianne's stories here.
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